I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

The whole month of November is reserved for my birthday! November 2, 2010

Filed under: Ridiculous Drawings and/or Comics,Things I Like — Stephanie Fantastic @ 9:20 pm
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So. My birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year just like the year I was born. Sorry about the hospital turkey and the toxemia, Mom. Since I’ll be working on my actual birthday (Bummer, but it’s like they’re paying me time and a half to work on my birthday!), I’ve scheduled my birthday bash for the Saturday following the sacred 25th. Little did I realize that The Room will also be going on that day, so if you’re at the Sunset 5 on the 27th in theater 4, you’re welcome to share my birthday cake! I’ll bring the paper plates, but you guys will have to provide your own plastic spoons.

I told Shannon that she has to make my birthday cake like this:

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In case you can’t tell, that’s a rough sketch of a tiered cake with tiny figurines of me (Sugar OR plastic would be cool. I can’t decide!) holding up the tiers and a little me on top.

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Guess Who Met Tommy Wiseau! (It Was Me.) August 30, 2010

So my friend Shannon (still maybe an internet rapist) desperately wanted to go to the most recent midnight-showing of The Room at the Laemmle in West Hollywood. If you haven’t seen The Room, here’s imdb’s summary of it. The movie is nothing like that. Anywho, normally I have to work Saturdays (waaaage slaaaaave), but the Gonzalez Family Reunion was nigh, so I had the night off.

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Speaking of the Gonzalez Family Reunion, this is how my extended family will remember my immediate family since I took the liberty of bringing pictures for me and my brother, who couldn’t be there, and my mom didn’t bring any pictures at all. Good job, The “Gonzalez’s.” Also, if there was any doubt in your mind, my pictures are not the ones in nice neat rows with borders cut out around them.

So anyways, we gathered up a group to meet at the Laemmle. My car’s group got there super late because Lames Foreman wanted to watch Mazes and Monsters. When we got there, I was floored by how many people were there. The line was obscene. Shannon had said the show sells out but I just couldn’t believe people would flock to pay to see an absolutely horrible movie like The Room. When we found Johnny and Boy (Also from the internet. Apparently I meet all my friends there.), they were adamant that the main character of the movie, which they had not yet seen and had no idea what to expect from, had been running around the crowd getting everyone all jazzed. Now I haven’t believed anything that Johnny says since I told him my idea for a show with a renegade cop who plays by his own rules…of physics, and Johnny told me that was a show in the 90s called Centrifugal Force with Adam Corolla and Eddie Murphy’s ghost in the body of a robot. Sorry, Johnny, you just can’t be trusted. So obviously I didn’t believe him. I was even more skeptical when they said Tommy Wiseau was very nimble and had been tight rope walking on the wrap around ledge. Right, Johnny. Tommy Wiseau can’t even figure out how belts work.

So the line started moving and when we got into the theater, and who was standing just inside but Tommy Wiseau himself. He looked like a corpse but he was super nice. And he either actually talks like that or he’s the world’s most committed actor. Shannon almost peed herself when we saw him and she needed a picture. Thanks for roping me in, Shannon. It was seriously fun. So we went over and I snapped a few pictures for some other fans. I almost cut out Greg Sestero because I didn’t recognize him at all. Here’s our picture:

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Note the unrestrained delight in Shannon’s eyes as Tommy Wiseau tells her she has a great smile, me in a Wiseau/Sestero manwich, and my boyfriend Ernie. Ernie had been taking the picture, but Tommy Wiseau, who seemed like a genuinely nice guy and couldn’t stop talking while the pictures were snapping, asked me (and you have to imagine it in his undiscernable accent), “Who’s tall guy?” When I replied that he was my boyfriend, Tommy beckoned him over, “Come here, Boyfriend!” and Ernie was sucked in. Tommy Wiseau takes really good pictures because, as I said, he seriously looked like a zombie.

We walked into a random theater, since they were all playing The Room, and we were all riled up and talking. By 12:30, the movie still hadn’t started though. Just as I was wondering when it would start and what was up, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero walked into the theater for Q&A.

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Remember how I said Tommy Wiseau doesn’t understand how belts work? It’s made abundantly clear in this picture where he’s wearing two belts and he still had to constantly grab his crotch to keep his pants and belts in place. Also, I captured the guy with the clipboard in the front row on film. I guess he’s not a ghost like I assumed since Ernie seemed to be the only one who saw him.

So Tommy Wiseau took questions and brought a birthday boy down to the front with him, then picked the kid up and spun around with him. The weirdest part about that was that Tommy kind of sighed and went, “Okay” as if the kid was waiting for Tommy to pick him up. Does he do that for every birthday kid he can lift? It’s Ernie’s birthday on the 31st, so I was REALLY tempted to see if Tommy Wiseau would try to spin Ernie’s 6’6 ass.

I don’t know what I was expecting when Tommy and Greg left and the movie started, but it wasn’t what happened. Amid a symphony of “FUCK YOU, CHLOE”s and “BA-BOOM, BA-BOOM, BA-BOOM” every time Lisa came down the stairs, the movie began. It was absolutely delightful. There were clearly moments where people had already scripted things to say, and every time the artsy framed picture of a spoon came on the screen, a storm of plastic spoons rained down on us, but there was also a lot of hilarious ad-libbed riffing, which was way better than the audience’s script. I honestly hadn’t realized that The Room had become the new Rocky Horror. If there’s a screening by your house, I whole-heartedly encourage you to go because I had a blast. The only other time I’d seen this movie was with Rifftrax, and while that was completely awesome, seeing it in the theater with a huge audience of riffers was a phenomenal experience.

Man, three posts before the crack of noon. These turnover days addle my brains just enough to make me (at least think I’m) a genius.