I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

My Dream Has Come True May 30, 2010

Now I can stamp my image on anything I want ever, thanks to this beautiful stamp made by TerBearCo on Etsy.

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Yesss, an army of me is just a stamp away. I will, of course, be using this stamp as the logo for my etsy shop. Hooray for signing my “work”!

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I will also use it irresponsibly for endeavors such as this. Take that, work supplies!

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MC PMS finally gets a song March 6, 2010

…which I scribbled in my notebook last night while half asleep. Behold.
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And here’s the whole song:

Jungle black and you’re lookin’ fine
I’d swing with you from vine to vine
Chocolate skin and caramel eyes
Such a sweet treat for between my thighs
In a split second, I’d take you to bed
Only problem is I’m seeing red

I’ve got mad PMS
MC PMS
Send an S.O.S.
I’m drowning in this sea

I’ve opened up the flood gates
Ain’t no way to navigate
The mad emotional state
I get in when I menstruate
Don’t push me to demonstrate
I’ll kick you in the prostate
You said you just wanted a date
Now you’re left to masturbate
It really is unfortunate
You caught me at my time
You could have been mine
Now I’m left with just the rhyme
There’ll be more of your kind
And you’ll have to learn to deal with mine

Cuz all girls get mad PMS
Take it from MC PMS
You’ve got to deal with the mess
If you want to keep your girl

So forgive me for the sweet and sour
This ain’t the age of delicate flowers
We’ve got to work for our living just like you
We get equal pay but we want equal downtime too
I’ll try to keep us low on stress
But there’s no way around a little PMS.

 

Funky Brewster’s in the Hizzouse February 20, 2010

When I was coming up with names for my teen rappers, someone (I think it was my sister.  Sorry Ashley, or if it wasn’t you, then sorry other person.) suggested Go Go Gangster.  It was the first song I wanted to write and the last good song I actually wrote.  It’s definitely my favorite.  I do feel a little bad that I haven’t written a song for MC PMS yet, but she’s just not as cool.  As for the drawing, I got it into my head that painting things with nail polish was a great idea and proceeded to paint everything with my vast collection of nail polishes.

Go Go Gangster

Neon, mesh, and thigh high boots
All the boys stare at my PVC cat suit
I’m lost in the music, entranced by the sound
Give it all I’ve got and just listen to my heart pound

Chorus:
Go Go Gangster girl
In a Go go Gangster World
Glow-sticks all a-twirl
Plastic bracelet swirl
Undulatin’ to the beat
Gettin’ fancy with my feet
The party never stops when I hit the streets

Dancin’ through the school with my candy on
Flippin’ the bird to all the strawberry blondes
Who’re givin’ me looks, starin’ at me
Like I can care; I’m Club Fucking Glee

Chorus

Tranny style, I’m lookin’ fab
Get dancing, girl, and lose that flab
Doesn’t matter what you look like; just how you act
Don’t dream it, be it; that’s Gangsta fact
Get wild, girls; now’s the time
Get out of the floor and feel my rhymes
Be as bright as you can be
Make people squint to see
You only live once so live completely free

Chorus

 

Another StephInfection post. Take that!

They See Me Ridin’

DJ Sparkle is lookin’ fine
Rocking out wit’ my girl, Starshine
When I roll up, you know I’m not a phony
‘Cuz my sweet ride is my favorite pony

Chorus:
My pony, my pony
Ride, ride my pony
My pony, my pony
Ride, ride her hard

I plait her hair with ribbons and bows
Gallop through the school, mowing down hoes
Tippin’ my hat to my diva crew
Steph Infection is coming for you

Muckin’ out her stall like it ain’t no thing
Then I outfit her with phat reign bling
Her bit’s made of diamond
Horseshoes made of gold
Don’t need to say a word for you to be TOLD

Chorus

*whistle blows*
ONE!  TWO!  THREE!  FOUR!
Fuck you and your horse, you whore
FIVE!  SIX!  SEVEN!  EIGHT!
Bringing out the equine hate
GooooOOOOOOOO Sky Bears!
*woos and pom pom noises*

You’d better reconsider if you think you’re tough
With a face full of hooves, you’ll be shit outta luck
If you walk away from your daddy’s Gran Torino
I’ll dent that shit up with my hip-hop palomino
I may look like a kitten, but buitch I’ve got claws
My daddy’s lawyers fight when I break laws

Chorus

Note:   The closest thing I could find to a drawing of DJ Sparkle and her pony was a drawing of me in a cupcake dress.  It was a birthday dress that I designed and then handed off to my dear old mum to make into a reality, but that is another story completely.  There’s nothing better than seeing ponies places.  I once saw a guy in a cowboy hat riding a pony on the sidewalk while I was on my way to work and it made my day.

 

I don’t know what other girls did when they were young… February 18, 2010

But I loved getting and sending things in the mail.  It was seriously my favorite thing in the world.  I would pack all sorts of great stuff into any letter or package I sent.  There were always flaccid balloons and confetti and stickers.  I still have huge drawers full of the stuff.  One time, and I will never live this down, I sent my friend Jill a letter with glitter in the folded up paper.  She’s going on her second move since then and I’m just waiting to get a text about how she opened a box and her new place is completely covered in glitter again.  Glitter makes me happy, so that makes me happy.  Sorry Jill.  So my next StephInfection song came from my love of mail and my greater love of sending things that people didn’t want to receive through the mail, which you’ll see shortly.  Enjoy!

(Glitter bomb, glitter bomb)
Glitter in your letter
Makes it much better
(Glitter glitter)
(Bomb bomb)
(Glitter glitter bomb)
Fill your house with sparkles
I’m a confetti ninja
I’m giggling all week about the joy I’m gonna bring ya
You love gettin’ mail
I love sendin’ it to ya
Glitter in the folded paper’s gonna glitter-glue ya
Your mom’s gonna freak when she sees the carpet
But she’ll never get it all out so she’s always gonna sparkle

What’s the point?
Glitter in the mail?
When I want to make a point
I send people gettin’ nailed
69, scat, genital locks
You piss off MC PMS
You get a mailbox full of cocks
Quit sendin’ me spam, Highlights for kids
Or in your prepaid envelope comes a man fuckin’ a pig
Susan B. Anthony is cheering for me
Stuffing envelopes with girls covered in pee
My printer’s out of ink but it gives me satisfaction
Mail terrorism with Steph Infection

 

StephInfection was taken as a blog name but that didn’t stop me.

I was sitting in a computer class (my first class since dropping out of art school oh so many years ago) and I realized that rappers can get away with anything.  I can’t stop listening to Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew and that doesn’t bother me one bit because they’re fucking great.  Then I got to thinking about the things that I actually know about, and, if there’s anything I love, it’s girling things up for the rest of the world.  Cable news, 80’s horror movies, tabletop roleplaying games.  Nothing is safe!  Hence, the teen rap sensation StephInfection was born.  Here’s my first song and a picture of the diva crew, who will all be played by me:

Ele oh el at my cell phone and I send you a text
We talk three times a minute ‘cuz we’re BFF
We’ve got ribbons in our hair; our clothes look like a confection
Watch out high school, here comes Steph Infection

Got outta P.E. ‘cuz I’ve got the cramps
Ain’t no way I’m gonna jog with these tramps
I’m MC PMS and I’ve always been a loner
My gym teacher’s tryin’ to hide his BONER

Touchin’ up my make-up in the middle of class
Wouldn’t wear this if I didn’t want you starin’ at my ass
I’m Funky Brewster and I’m up to get down
Even though my mom says I look like a clown

DJ Sparkle on the way to Home Ec.
I’ll bake you a cake with my Betty Crocker cooking set
Mend you pants, make a perfect souffle
When I take off my apron, I’m an A+ lay

All the boys want us ‘cuz we’re so fine
We just tell ’em to go wait in line
Steph Infection is storming your school
Three sweet girls breaking all the rules