I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Awkward Sexual Dream January 31, 2011

Okay, I wrote a new song. It’s a little short, but I couldn’t imagine adding a single word. Sorry, coworkers, I’ve had a sexual dream about all of you without exception. (Okay, not really, but just assume I’ve been doing you in my sleep anyway.) Also, if you see me sneaking a sideways look, it’s because I was recording this at work as all the kids were walking home from school, which is the same reason I didn’t re-record it the right way around and with a less cumshot-looking still. I’m a responsible adult!

And here are the lyrics!

I felt you hard against my leg
And now we’re goin’ all the way
It’s just dick; I can’t resist
It’s like my boyfriend don’t exist

Kiss me, touch me, worship me!
I can’t believe this got so dirty
Sweat and chest and thighs,
Ass and boobs, contented sighs
Put it anywhere
Yell and curse and pull my hair

And just before
I get there
I’m awake
And I swear
Meetin’ your eye at work is gonna be hard.

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A Do Wop Song About Do Wop July 22, 2010

Okay, I wrote a song recently but I feel like this particular song needs a preface. I fucking love 50s and 60s music. Around 2000, when I started hating most of the music on KROQ, I turned to 101.1 for The Greatest Hits on Earth. After a couple years, I knew every song they played, who sang them, and all the words and I loved every minute of it.

Then I started actually listening to what I was singing along to. I was unpleasantly surprised to realize that a lot of this great music was about men cheating on women and then begging them to come back, women working really hard to get a man, and teenagers. It wasn’t entirely unlike the music of today, but it bothered me that these men would come right out and say that they loved making their women feel bad and it made them feel good to beat them, and then IN THE SAME SONG ask the women to come back to them. The female singers were just as bad though. Every amazing song Patsy Cline ever sang was about her wandering, ass hole husband. So on that note, here’s my song (and feel free to mentally add in all the Sh-booms and Do-wops):

[Spoken]

Honey, you were the love of my life.

Havin’ a boy like you made me feel like I’d done everything right.

And when you left me, all I could do was cry,

And now I’m left to wonder…why?

[sung]

Fuck you, Frankie Valli

You slept with anything that moved

Don’t tell me to hang on

Don’t sing it in a song

Put our problems on the lips

Of every teenage girl who wisheeeees

We were through

I’ll hear no more, The Beatles

You’ve got 8 new girls a week

The words you gush sound true

But you say, “I love you”

To every giiiiiirl that you meet

Don’t fall in love with morons

Be more selective, ladies, please

If he tells you to run when you break up,

Says you’re too proud when you won’t put up with his smut,

And sings it on the air for all his sluts tooooo hear

You’re probably dating an ass hole

So stop pining away

For that one one fine day

When he’ll want yoooou for his own.

I’m tired of golden oldies

Tellin’ girls they live to get a man

Fuck you, Frankie Valli

And fuck do-wop too.

It could use a little work here and there, but I like it and I’m working on trying to upload what it’s supposed to sound like, but WordPress doesn’t like my phone’s voice recorder OR video format. Picky, picky.

Edit: I just put it up on YouTube.