I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Apparently All I Ever Think About Is Porn June 2, 2010

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You know what’s horrible? Women in porn never mess up their make-up at all. Not until the money shot anyway. The women in porn always kind of bothered me though. What’s the point of having sex for money if you’re not even enjoying it? They’re always so determined to look sexy at you that they can’t possibly be having a good time. I know mugging for the camera doesn’t help me get off. I’m glad that the internet has ushered in a new age of amateur porn where girls get sweaty and messy, and not all of them have three inches of fake nails coming at your penis. It really makes me grateful to the internet. Seriously, there’s nothing hot about the amount of damage those fake nails can do to both parties. Well, unless you’re into that kind of thing and then go you! You’ve got SO much porn possibility to choose from!

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I don’t know what other girls did when they were young… February 18, 2010

But I loved getting and sending things in the mail.  It was seriously my favorite thing in the world.  I would pack all sorts of great stuff into any letter or package I sent.  There were always flaccid balloons and confetti and stickers.  I still have huge drawers full of the stuff.  One time, and I will never live this down, I sent my friend Jill a letter with glitter in the folded up paper.  She’s going on her second move since then and I’m just waiting to get a text about how she opened a box and her new place is completely covered in glitter again.  Glitter makes me happy, so that makes me happy.  Sorry Jill.  So my next StephInfection song came from my love of mail and my greater love of sending things that people didn’t want to receive through the mail, which you’ll see shortly.  Enjoy!

(Glitter bomb, glitter bomb)
Glitter in your letter
Makes it much better
(Glitter glitter)
(Bomb bomb)
(Glitter glitter bomb)
Fill your house with sparkles
I’m a confetti ninja
I’m giggling all week about the joy I’m gonna bring ya
You love gettin’ mail
I love sendin’ it to ya
Glitter in the folded paper’s gonna glitter-glue ya
Your mom’s gonna freak when she sees the carpet
But she’ll never get it all out so she’s always gonna sparkle

What’s the point?
Glitter in the mail?
When I want to make a point
I send people gettin’ nailed
69, scat, genital locks
You piss off MC PMS
You get a mailbox full of cocks
Quit sendin’ me spam, Highlights for kids
Or in your prepaid envelope comes a man fuckin’ a pig
Susan B. Anthony is cheering for me
Stuffing envelopes with girls covered in pee
My printer’s out of ink but it gives me satisfaction
Mail terrorism with Steph Infection