I sat here last night in my guard shack writing about karaoke, blissfully unaware of a spider constructing its web directly over the back door. I was momentarily sickened to the point of almost vomiting when I realized that I could have very easily walked outside to take out the trash and had a gigantic spider on my fucking face. Look at this thing!
It’s the size of a quarter and it’s just sitting there in thin air making it impossible for me to feel safe opening up the top half our hilarious doors. I seriously hate spiders. They’re always trying to get all up in my business. I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS.
I felt really dumb the other day because I noticed a tiny little spider crawling on my legs. One of those ones that looks like a speck of dust until it starts moving. I was seized with panic. It’s on me! I don’t want to touch it with my hands! What do I do?! Quick! Find something to smash it with. SWEET JESUS, STEPHANIE, DON’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF IT! Nothing is close enough for me to grab and smash thing with!
…
Then I realized it was an ant and, without any hesitation, smashed it with my finger.
I don’t get it. How come even the tiniest of spiders turns me into a squealing little kid? No other bug has the ability to do that to me. I work right next to a lake so there’s a constant stream of flying, jumping, and crawling bugs around, but I don’t even flinch when I see them. I’ll even take them outside the shack in my hand if they’re annoying me enough (Notice how I resisted the temptation to say “if they’re bugging me enough.” At least I can take consolation in the fact that I’m not like my dad in that respect.) Something in my brain completely shuts down when I am anywhere near a spider though. All I can do is walk over to the window three times a minute and glare at that damn spider.
Fuck you, Spider! What do you even want from me?! I know your web is right next to a light, which is like a spider buffet once the sun sets, but I don’t want to look at you! At least it’s my Friday and hopefully someone will have walked into that web face first or, hopefully for them, taken the web down with a broom and brutally beaten the spider to death before I get back in three days. I hope it’s not the type of spider that explodes in a maelstrom of spider guts when you smash it.
Edit: Holy shit, that spider is already sending assassins in after me not three seconds after I finished this post. I got up and almost put my face into another spider coming down from the ceiling fan. Luckily I have catlike reflexes and I disposed of it in midair. I jokingly put in the tags “Is the spider on my head?” Looks like I’m a fucking psychic! Well played, spiders, but you’ll have to be craftier than that to take me out. (Please don’t send any more spiders in.)
Edit 2: Oh sweet Jesus, the UPS guy walked right through that horrifying spiderweb on his way in to use the bathroom and now that spider is going to get me on the toilet or make him crash his UPS truck. R.I.P. UPS guy.
I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth 