I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

So the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Ball was fun even though it took me forever to post about it. July 28, 2011

On July 1st and 2nd, the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Ball happened in L.A. and I was in attendance. I haven’t posted because I’ve been super laaaazy and I didn’t take nearly enough pictures. It was fun, but I think I missed the point until after it ended. Somehow, my group missed just about every show that took place. By “somehow,” I mean because the program that I retrieved from my e-mail labelled shows in rooms that didn’t exist or were named completely different things in the actual hall. Everyone’s costumes were amazing and elaborate though and I was too busy being shy to realize that the whole point of the ball was to get nerdy, crafty people in amazing conversation-piece outfits that made them schmooze. I did get to do a little schmoozing though because it turns out the dress I made for my birthday last year glows in the fucking dark! So I’m going to post up a line of pictures that you’ve seen already if you’re on my Facebook (not many people are) and say that next year, I’m going to be prepared with a camera and take pictures of everyone’s amazing costumes because it was super fun to have everyone accosting me for pictures of mine.

Day 1 I went as a fawn. I had made some furry hoof leg warmers but very few people got to see them. Check out my sweet 80’s hair provided by my awesome mom, who was a stylist in the 80’s. Ernie (my baybeh) and James (some butt hole) are also sporting costumes made by me, however they’re not sparkly so I didn’t get many pictures…

Captain Ernie

Home made pants, yo!James

Y'arrrr!I’ve got these cumbersome glasses so I decided to just glue shit to my face instead of even try to figure out a mask. It’s all good though.


I saw the David Bowie from across the room and needed a picture obviously. It’s about the only pictures taken of me with another person that ended up on a camera I had access to. I’m still waiting for all the others to show up in the gallery and on google. Come on, everyone! Stop hoarding your pictures like I did!

B'awwww!

For the record, none of these photos are altered in any way. My dress glowed in a lot of the rooms at the Masquerade and out on the patio, which was effing awesome. I honestly didn’t even realize why everyone wanted my picture until I saw this picture. Also for the record, I was definitely NOT supposed to be up on that podium, but it had steps that led up. Other places I wasn’t supposed to be but inexplicably was: an alluring room upstairs, the hanging ring reserved for a performer, sitting in the sound technician’s chair.

Day 2 I went as a troll and didn’t get NEARLY as much attention for all the green paint I painstakingly applied. I kind of liked the green, actually. Well, until I tried to get it off much later in the night.

I decided to go for Scene Troll because my feets were still killing me from the heels I’d worn as a faun and I wasn’t sure I could walk up the massive amount of stairs in the Masquerade in geta sandals. Living in caves is so last generation.  As you can see, it was balls hot inside the actual Masquerade. Next time, I will definitely be going for a breezy costume. It was definitely a fun experience and I’d totally go again. If there’s anything I love, it’s making ridiculously loud costumes. You can check out pictures of people other than me at the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Facebook page since none of the photographers that were there have gotten their 2011 galleries up yet.

 

The whole month of November is reserved for my birthday! November 2, 2010

Filed under: Ridiculous Drawings and/or Comics,Things I Like — Stephanie Fantastic @ 9:20 pm
Tags: , , ,

So. My birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year just like the year I was born. Sorry about the hospital turkey and the toxemia, Mom. Since I’ll be working on my actual birthday (Bummer, but it’s like they’re paying me time and a half to work on my birthday!), I’ve scheduled my birthday bash for the Saturday following the sacred 25th. Little did I realize that The Room will also be going on that day, so if you’re at the Sunset 5 on the 27th in theater 4, you’re welcome to share my birthday cake! I’ll bring the paper plates, but you guys will have to provide your own plastic spoons.

I told Shannon that she has to make my birthday cake like this:

image

In case you can’t tell, that’s a rough sketch of a tiered cake with tiny figurines of me (Sugar OR plastic would be cool. I can’t decide!) holding up the tiers and a little me on top.

 

Zombie Walk In Fullerton! October 22, 2010

Filed under: Things I Like — Stephanie Fantastic @ 3:14 pm
Tags: , , ,

Anyone who knows me knows that if there’s anything I love, it’s dressing up in costumes and gallons of fake blood. So you can imagine my joy when a friend of mine told me about the Fullerton Zombie Walk, which is taking place tomorrow at 6. I will be there and I will be disgusting [insert anticipated disgusting joke here]! If you’re there too, mock all you like, but please don’t throw anything at me. It’s hard enough to seperate the fake wounds from the real ones already.

 

To the guy who searched “more boobs” to get here September 4, 2010

Filed under: Things I Like — Stephanie Fantastic @ 11:38 am
Tags: ,

I don’t know if you know this, but the browser doesn’t know that you already searched boobs and would now like new and different boobs. You could probably get the same results by searching “tits” or “breasts.”

 

Let me tell you about a thing that is delightful to me. August 22, 2010

Filed under: Things I Like — Stephanie Fantastic @ 7:38 am
Tags: , , ,

So a friend of mine (Look at me. I have friends. You can’t see, but I’m waving my arms in mockery of myself.) turned me on to Hyperbole and a Half and I’ve just finished obsessively reading through the entire archive. I loved every second of it! I’m really sad that I now have to wait until Allie updates to get my fix. I know that her blog is about a hundred million times more popular than mine, but I’d still like to spread the word about how awesome she is. So read her blog because it’s absolutely hilarious. I could review it, but I’d feel like a douche bad doing that. Let’s just say that I’d totally invite her to my mandatory sex party.

 

Hey! Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how awesome karaoke is?! August 15, 2010

So I’ve been violating everyone’s ears with my singing for years and only recently have I been introduced to the wonders of karaoke. I mean, I knew it was around, but I’d never gone to a bar on karaoke night and belted out my favorite oldies in front of a bunch of sort of drunk people.

Shannon (who is definitely NOT an internet predator) and I went to this ridiculously hilarious bowling alley bar called The Lindbrook a couple weeks ago for karaoke night. The bowling alley had this kitchsy 60s light-up BOWL sign that flashed with 100 individual giant bulbs. We parked and unloaded our glittery selves out of the car and into the bar. We floated into that drab, dark bar like drag queen butterflies. I didn’t get any pictures, like a FOOL, but I have a before-make-up picture of my snail dress.

image

I’ve been aching to find a reason to wear this amazing home-made dress again, preferably without some harpy shrieking at me about it. It’s birth caused a fiasco a couple Halloweens ago because a friend of a friend was furious that she wasn’t “the only bug” at the party and that I had “won the costume contest.” She took no consolation in the fact that she WAS the only bug because snails are mollusks and would hear none of my protests that there had, in fact, been no costume contest and that me besting her at Halloween was entirely in her head. This had caused numerous drunken rants directed at me in the years afterward, but I think she’s finally over it.

ANYWAY, Shannon looked equally as fabulous and out of place in her leopard print top and seriously awesome red glitter make-up. We took a seat and, both broke, refused drinks. When the karaoke cards were passed out, we set to work finding songs like drowning women. Gasp! Written down. Guh! That one! ALL THE SONGS! We filled out about ten cards each and ran up to hand them in, buzzing with excitement as the big, black DJ sang a love ballad.

When he finished, who was first but Stephanie Fantastic with Never Gonna Give You Up. So I went up to rickroll the old drunk crowd. It started off fine. I know the whole song. My brain, however, shut off and devolved into a chorus of giggles because it couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t been clicked out yet. Laughing uncontrollably in my over-the-top snail dress, I handed the microphone to the DJ and announced that I was done. Next up was Shannon with Suffragette City, which she performed with gusto and actually finished.

When we sat back down at our table, giggling with karaoke glee, the old trucker-looking lady bartender came up to us and informed us that we would need to buy at least one drink each if we wanted to sing. Okay no problem, I thought. I have credit and one drink won’t break my bank. So I pulled out my card and asked for just a bottle of water and whatever Shannon wanted so she’d get off our fabulous backs. She came back after a few minutes with drinks and I went to hand her my card but couldn’t find it anywhere. I had dropped it on the floor and had taken forever to find it, but when I went to hand it to her, she informed me that it was a cash-only bar. We made a token attempt to remove $20 from my credit card but I knew I didn’t have a pin for it. So we gathered our things and walked out, SHAMED but not defeated. I mean, really. She should have told us it was cash-only before making or bringing back any drinks. We had a good time elsewhere anyway.

So The Lindbrook was not the greatest place to do karaoke. It was really uptight and catered to a much older, quieter crowd than I’m used to being around. A couple days ago, though, Shannon pretty much chose out of a hat The Tomkat Lounge. What a fucking difference! We were just as extravagant and out of place (I just realized I was wearing another home-made outfit, this time my final project from sewing class), but the whole atmosphere was so much friendlier.

image

I’d like to note that I only intended to wear the blue glitter lips for a second and then wipe them off to go to karaoke but I really liked them and Shannon’s second opinion sealed the deal.

So we got to the crowded, tiiiiny Tomkat Lounge a little before karaoke started and espied two tables covered in bright green plastic cloths and glitter. Now, in hindsight, it seems pretty obvious that those tables were set up for someone, but at the time, we squee’d and beelined straight for them. As Shannon was setting down her purse (take that, two tables shoved together!), we heard a very loud man yelling, “DON’T SIT THERE!” Startled and unsure of where the voice had even come from, we moved to another table in the back. A few minutes later, a giant older man in a cowboy hat strode toward us, threw his arm around me, pressing me close to him, and began to talk directly to Shannon.

Drunk Cowboy: Hey! I didn’t mean to scare you ladies! Only it’s m’daughter’s birthday today!

Me: Oh, is she here?

Drunk Cowboy: (looking at me like he hadn’t realized he had his arm around someone) Oh no, but she’ll be here soon! She looks just like me!

Shannon: …Does she also have a cowboy hat?

Drunk Cowboy: (loud guffaw) Nah! She’s dressed in little kid clothes!

Me: A little kid who’s old enough to go to a bar, right?

The conversation pretty much carried on like that and later, when his daughter walked it, he introduced us and I told her we were bffs with her dad. Everyone was about as friendly as that guy, even a really old guy with a trucker hat who danced with me for a bit as Shannon was singing some Creedence. No one said a word about my blue lips and I feel like I really rocked Walkin’ After Midnight. It was all around a good night. Also, we had learned our lesson from The Lindbrook and brought cash AND each bought a tequila sunrise even though no one asked us to buy anything. We’re cool like that.

We left when the Elvis contest started because there would be no more freestyle karaoke. Apparently there was a serious contest going on because all through the night, Elvises poured into the bar. Full jumpsuited Elvises, lazy Elvises in jeans and big Elvis sunglasses who didn’t even look like Elvis when they dramatically took off the glasses, fat Elvises, not as fat Elvises, a madhouse of Elvises! And from what I understood, one lucky Elvis would go on to some Elvis finals when he won.

We both only sang one song again but it was such a blast. So again, I say, why didn’t anyone let me loose on karaoke before?

 

A Bracing Curative For The Afflictions Of Our Time June 12, 2010

Inga Ingenue

So I was debating and debating about whether or not I could afford to go to the Ink N Iron Festival specifically to

Fuchsia Foxxx

see Circus Contraption and I’m glad I finally decided to go. It was completely awesome.

First of all, the Ink N Iron Festival was cooler than I expected, being a person who doesn’t have a single tattoo or care about vintage cars. They had all sorts of incredibly cute things that I desperately wanted to buy but knew I had no money for. Hot pink vintage-inspired dresses in my size! I could have died! And mini tophats and sparkly lollipop earrings. Gah! I ache inside just thinking about it. Plus, there was that mermaid Hitler (played by Megan Fox) riding a sharktank that’s shooting flaming tridents at a t-rex underwater tattoo that I could have gotten in front of everyone in a showroom on the Queen Mary. Eh? Ah?

But Circus Contraption. They were fabulous. They played their dark, beautiful music to a series of pretty sweet burlesque and magic acts. When I walked into the bar area by the stage, I almost tripped over my own feet because Bunny Lamont was standing around having a drink with Schmootzy the Clod. I, of course, did my best creepy fangirl impression and stalked from afar. I think I then unwittingly pissed off Inga Ingenue, the opening burlesque act, by gushing about Circus Contraption and having no idea who she was. Maybe not, though. Maybe she was just playing her jaded character still. And apologies to Fuchsia Foxxx, the second act, as well. Both ladies were standing in line behind us as the ATM looking amazing, and they later performed stunningly, Inga with a hilarious Blazing Saddles Madaleine Khan-esque angry/disinterested act and Fuchsia with a beautiful belly-dance and a riot of color. I can now aspire to be as colorful as Ms. Foxxx.

The show was really fun. I didn’t even start out this post with the intention of talking about the rest of the show, but as I was thinking about it more and more, I

Christopher Wonder

realized that the whole show was so fun and naughty and wholly Circus Contraption in feel. I tried desperately to

Karina the Snake Dancer

find links for all these great acts because they were all crazy fun, but some of these guys are pretty well hidden. For example, the next act.

Scraggly performer Christopher Wonder came out after Ms. Foxxx and did some cool switch tricks with a lit cigarette and an egg, produced and drank several beers, and then made a chicken out of fire and pulled a length of scarves out of its ass. Then the absolutely gorgeous Karina came out and contorted with a giant albino snake. Trixie Minx was adorable and sparkly and classy in her strip-tease. I was won over immediately when she took off her top hat and had on underneath…ANOTHER SMALLER TOP HAT. Joy! Also, she had Hootchie Coochie girls playing and that’s just about my favorite Circus Contraption song.

I feel absolutely terrible for not remembering his name, but The Mystic Man came out and did some neat balancing tricks and then swallowed several swords and a chair leg with a chair attached. You know, I’ve never seen a live sword swallowing act and it was totally stressful to watch. Be careful, Christopher! While he was performing, they were setting up a gigantic swan for Leila Bazzani‘s transformation act, which was beautiful, but confusingly done to Slaughter Promenade. Next up was Rachel Brice, who did the sexiest belly dance in this beautiful gypsy outfit and did not need to take a single article of clothing off to be on par with all the other girls. I move that had she taken any clothes off at all, the audience would have exploded. Plus, I loved the baggy, vertically striped pants she was wearing under her skirt. So cute!

Leila Bazzani

And finally, stripping over two songs, out of two bras and three pairs of underwear, was the amazon goddess Catherine D’Lish

Trixie Minx

This woman has to be seen to be believed. She’s got that Old Hollywood glamour, she’s built like Jessica Rabbit, and every movement she made was dripping with sex appeal.

So, the Carnal Cabaret will be performing today and tomorrow in Sin Alley on the Queen Mary and I definitely recommend seeing it and grabbing some food and goodies at the festival. I had a lot of fun just people watching in the crowd, heh. We only got to the Festival about an hour before the show, but it was definitely worth the $40 just for that. If you can get out to it, definitely do.

Rachel Brice


Catherine D Lish