I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Halloween is the Holiday of the Gods October 31, 2011

Filed under: My Life,Pictures of Me,Things I've Made — Stephanie Fantastic @ 4:47 pm
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It’s no secret that I will elaborately dress up for little to no reason so it should be obvious that my favorite holiday every is Halloween. Amidst the whirlwind of HorriblyAdorable orders I’ve been scrambling to finish in time for Halloween, I totally managed to make myself a costume. Go me! I’ve Big Topped my house and I have candy so I had better have some dang trick or treaters this year! What’s wrong with kids these days? I trick or treated until I was like 18. (Shut up.)

 

So the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Ball was fun even though it took me forever to post about it. July 28, 2011

On July 1st and 2nd, the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Ball happened in L.A. and I was in attendance. I haven’t posted because I’ve been super laaaazy and I didn’t take nearly enough pictures. It was fun, but I think I missed the point until after it ended. Somehow, my group missed just about every show that took place. By “somehow,” I mean because the program that I retrieved from my e-mail labelled shows in rooms that didn’t exist or were named completely different things in the actual hall. Everyone’s costumes were amazing and elaborate though and I was too busy being shy to realize that the whole point of the ball was to get nerdy, crafty people in amazing conversation-piece outfits that made them schmooze. I did get to do a little schmoozing though because it turns out the dress I made for my birthday last year glows in the fucking dark! So I’m going to post up a line of pictures that you’ve seen already if you’re on my Facebook (not many people are) and say that next year, I’m going to be prepared with a camera and take pictures of everyone’s amazing costumes because it was super fun to have everyone accosting me for pictures of mine.

Day 1 I went as a fawn. I had made some furry hoof leg warmers but very few people got to see them. Check out my sweet 80’s hair provided by my awesome mom, who was a stylist in the 80’s. Ernie (my baybeh) and James (some butt hole) are also sporting costumes made by me, however they’re not sparkly so I didn’t get many pictures…

Captain Ernie

Home made pants, yo!James

Y'arrrr!I’ve got these cumbersome glasses so I decided to just glue shit to my face instead of even try to figure out a mask. It’s all good though.


I saw the David Bowie from across the room and needed a picture obviously. It’s about the only pictures taken of me with another person that ended up on a camera I had access to. I’m still waiting for all the others to show up in the gallery and on google. Come on, everyone! Stop hoarding your pictures like I did!

B'awwww!

For the record, none of these photos are altered in any way. My dress glowed in a lot of the rooms at the Masquerade and out on the patio, which was effing awesome. I honestly didn’t even realize why everyone wanted my picture until I saw this picture. Also for the record, I was definitely NOT supposed to be up on that podium, but it had steps that led up. Other places I wasn’t supposed to be but inexplicably was: an alluring room upstairs, the hanging ring reserved for a performer, sitting in the sound technician’s chair.

Day 2 I went as a troll and didn’t get NEARLY as much attention for all the green paint I painstakingly applied. I kind of liked the green, actually. Well, until I tried to get it off much later in the night.

I decided to go for Scene Troll because my feets were still killing me from the heels I’d worn as a faun and I wasn’t sure I could walk up the massive amount of stairs in the Masquerade in geta sandals. Living in caves is so last generation.  As you can see, it was balls hot inside the actual Masquerade. Next time, I will definitely be going for a breezy costume. It was definitely a fun experience and I’d totally go again. If there’s anything I love, it’s making ridiculously loud costumes. You can check out pictures of people other than me at the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Facebook page since none of the photographers that were there have gotten their 2011 galleries up yet.

 

What I’ve Been Doing For Forever June 15, 2011

Okay, I know I’ve been mysteriously absent from the internet for a while now. Several private life things came up, but also I’ve been keeping a secret under my hat and I didn’t want to clumsily spill it off my head before I’m ready. For now, though, here’s what I’ve been up to:

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These dinosaur sweaters will eventually be up for sale in pretty much any color that fleece comes in. I’ll let you know when I’ve got that all set up.

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Baby monster footie pajamas!

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I’m going to both nights of the Labyrinth Masquerade of Jareth on July 1st and 2nd and I’ve been hard at work designing costumes for me and my babay. I’ve spent the last month being jazzed out of my mind about it and driving everyone around me insane.

So basically, my sewing machine has not stopped sewing for about two months and I’ve been working like a ferret on crack to get things done before birthdays and baby showers and balls in between work and sleep. Woo!

 

Rocktopus by The Dread Crew of Oddwood. April 27, 2011

Did I say Period? That’s right. No more needs to be said because that name is pretty much as awesome as a CD name gets, but I’ll indulge your curiosity because I love to talk.

I’ve been mysteriously absent from the internet because I have had several things clumsily hidden under my hat and I didn’t want them all to spill out in a moment of unsure-footed exuberance. The lesser of those things was making five costumes for the Renaissance Pleasure Faire of Irwindale, Ca in a single week, totaling about 90 hours of work when combined with my day job. But just look at how awesome we looked as swashbuckling pirate brigands!

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But enough about me. (Sorry, I love me.) While perusing the many fine attractions of the RenFaire with my ever-fluctuating gigantic group, we stopped in a smoking section. What should we hear while standing amongst smoking monks and knights, but pirate shanties, my favorite type of shanty! I wandered away to watch a truly metal performance of Cities Burning, complete with hair-banging. “Rape! Burn! Kill! SLAUGHTER!” We had been on the way to lunch, but I couldn’t leave. The Dread Crew of Oddwood had sucked me in. They are amazing, and incredibly mobile onstage for guys lugging around a cello and a toy piano, not to mention the most visually appealing drum set I’ve ever seen. They sing some of the filthiest songs I’ve ever heard and you know how I relish face-contorting smut. I was bummed as hell when their set was over because even their grossest verses were hilarious. I went right over to buy their CDs and was delighted again by Rocktopus and Reign the Helm.

The bawdy drinking songs they performed on stage were much better live than recorded (as usual), but they also have a great selection of epic ballads that I can’t stop listening to. Seriously, Kraken Skulls? God yes. So give these guys a listen. They’re insanely awesome. And if I haven’t convinced you yet, just look at this CD cover.

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And as an end thought, I keep trying to embed the link to The Dread Crew’s web site, but apparently WordPress will only let me put in one link per post and I wasted it on the RenFaire site so here’s the address: http://www.thedreadcrewofoddwood.com/

 

A Weekend in Review: Long Beach Mardi Gras and 80s Night at the Hully Gully March 7, 2011

My calves are a-sore from walking and dancing the weekend away. I was super jazzed about a night of debauchery and booze at the 2nd Annual Long Beach Mardi Gras, which promised costumes, music, and New Orleans flavor. They had a parade at 3, but I missed it because I’m a layabout and I just couldn’t get out of the house in time despite a relatively early start. I heard later from some Canadian adventurers that the parade was joyous and colorful and completely confusing because they did not remember Compton being so friendly-looking.

We arrived in Long Beach around 3:30 and the parking was plentiful, but kind of a pain in the ass. If you plan on going next year, bring cash so you don’t have to wander around looking for an ATM and also free parking so you can use said ATM. I didn’t have to do that because I somehow had cash on me, a rare occurrence, but Ernie was totally screwed. Whoops. When we got there, the children’s section was only mildly bustling despite the opportunity to jump in one of several bounce-houses, make masks, and play in a giant balloon floating in a pool of water. I really wanted to play in a giant balloon in a pool of water but the sign told me I had to ask about the weight limit and I figured if I had to ask, I was too heavy.

We wandered away from the kids section and people attempted to sell me beads from stalls even though I obviously didn’t need them.

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See that yellow and pink bag? It’s chock full of nothing but beads and glitter. Ernie and I wandered away from the kids’ section in search of some debauchery but everywhere we looked were strollers and toddlers. Where was I supposed to throw my beads?! Past the art for sale and the puppet animal stalls, past the bead stalls and picnickers we went in search of the fabled Party Gras. We headed toward the press of people on the pier, but when we got there, that’s all there was really. Just lots of people, milling about. There were costumes a-plenty, more than a few pirates, and an Elvis on stilts who sweet-talked all the ladies.

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Interspersed in the crowd were more children, being sticky and preventing any boobs. I still gave out a lot of beads though, because I believe in fun.

We wandered around the various shops, which were eerily reminiscent of Seattle’s Pike Place. All the buildings on the pier were super brightly painted, so of course I wanted to live in all of them. There were a couple of jazz bands and we accidentally went into a fenced-off area where our bags needed to be checked for whatever reason, but there really wasn’t anything going on. When we were satisfied that we’d seen everything that was happening, we joined a friend for dinner and drinks in the hopes that when we left, there would be less kids and more drunk, promiscuous women showing off their tits. By the time we got out of Bubba Gumps, where everyone in the damn restaurant is celebrating their 21st birthday until the end of time, there were pretty much no people on the streets. It was unfortunate because we had dragged old Lames Foreman out to Mardi Gras with the promise of boobs, but I had another engagement to rush off to so, disappointed though I was, I had to dash anyway.

I was off to 80s Night at the Hully Gully with the lovely Sara and her friend Maria. I had never been, but it was lots of fun. Basically, there are two rooms with bars and a dance floor inside and a DJ blasts 80s music at everyone and they 80s dance all night. I generally don’t dance so 80s dancing, which from what I observed mainly consists of shuffling from foot to foot, was an easy way to get into it. I was apparently good enough at shuffling because I garnered the attention of a relatively cute guy who had apparently been told that 80s dancing consisted of two-handed grabbing ladies butts and then rubbing your junk on them.

When we parted company with him and made for the much cooler smoking patio, we happened upon the aforementioned Canadian adventurers and told them many tales of dildos and lube accidentally left where everyone could see. It was still Mardi Gras for me so I gave all three of them beads and FINALLY got to see some exposed chests.

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All around a fun weekend, although yesterday I came about as close to death as I’ve ever been. Ernie and I were driving home after midnight on the 241-S, the toll road that is the only freeway into Rancho Santa Margarita. It wasn’t raining so much as maliciously misting. Ernie drives a lot slower than I do, but we hit a puddle of water or something and our car was suddenly spinning out of control. We spun at least twice, then unintentionally Tokyo drifted across the wide, grassy median, and ended up across two lanes on the 241-N, completely unscathed. It was the glass lamps falling on me at Tuesday Morning but on a much grander scale. Something’s watching out for me. Once we’d gotten the engine back on, Ernie got off the freeway and got back on going the way we needed instead of just driving back over the median like I wanted to. It was probably for the best. It looks like our car got out miraculously unharmed too, although it is completely filthy and there is a lot of plant matter all up in the rims. I pulled out a dandelion before work today.

Back on topic though, the Hully Gully was a much better time than I could have expected, not being fanatical about 80s music or dancing where people can see me. Our friends from the North helped a lot with that though. And the Long Beach Mardi Gras had potential but was unorganized and lacked the type of shameless people who would really make it shine. I’ve never actually been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans however, so I really have no basis for comparison.

 

Tatas Through Time was a joy! February 14, 2011

I know I haven’t been able to shut up about Hell on Heels for the last week, but I went to their Tatas Through Time show on Saturday at the Brick by Brick and it was such a blast!

The Brick by Brick, in case you’ve never been there but plan on going (for example, to Hell on Heels’ next show ;D), is tucked inconspicuously away behind the Bull’s Smokin’ BBQ and Saloon, which is also pretty awesome. Tatas Through Time was retro dress optional for the audience and, as you know, I fucking love dressing up. I called up my ex-hairdresser mom and my fabulous grandma and they gave me the most ridiculous beehive for the show. This thing was obscenely big and full when they first teased it onto my head, but my hair is notorious for not doing what hairspray wants. Check out that progression:

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My grandma’s only warnings about the beehive were to stay away from open flames and to avoid humidity because it would make my hair frizz. Well, I did pretty well avoiding open flames, but the Brick by Brick was so packed for the show that every single person was intimately acquainted with every person around them so frizz I did. No room for a stray boner in there. Good thing we weren’t seeing anything sexy–oh wait…

When we first walked in, there was a girl laid out on a table in nothing but pasties, nude panties, and a garnish of strawberries in whipped cream. This is about the only thing I got a picture of because once we packed in for the show, there was no room or energy for dicking around with a camera.

The show was an absolute delight though. The girls were sparkly and energetic and even their scantily clad clean-up dame was showy and bubbly as she tidied up the glittering, discarded gloves and bras and assorted costume bits and brought out the next act.

I of course had an interest in Miss Ginger N. Whiskey because she was wearing my pistol pasties in her Bonnie Parker act and my sheriff stars in her Calamity Jane act, but I would have had to give her a mention even if she hadn’t been because she was absolutely adorable in every way. Her act was very classy and she had such an innocent energy. I was immediately smitten. Check out the pasties! I worked so hard on them and I was bummed that I couldn’t get any good pictures of them on stage. Nothing makes you feel like a pervert quite like attempting to take a picture of something that is nipple-mounted.

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All the girls were amazing. The Betty Boop act knocked us dead, and I almost swooned when Rosie the Riveter took off her jumpsuit to reveal a red, white, and blue glitter corset, then again when she removed the striped corset to reveal a glitter blue bra with a giant star in the middle. And while each girl rocked, my entire group fell madly in love with the Amazon woman Bibi Bordeaux. Pictures are great, but seeing this woman in action is a treat. She was graceful and coy and her act really played into the glorious burlesque tradition of showing just the right amount of skin at any given moment but always keeping the audience straining to see more.

The Hell on Heels troupe is already hard at work on their next show, Dangerous Curves Ahead, which will be on April 1st also at the Brick By Brick. Plan ahead and see them! They’re better and cheaper than a movie. If you missed Tatas Through Time, you missed out on the most entertainment you could possibly get for $10!

 

Awkward Sexual Dream January 31, 2011

Okay, I wrote a new song. It’s a little short, but I couldn’t imagine adding a single word. Sorry, coworkers, I’ve had a sexual dream about all of you without exception. (Okay, not really, but just assume I’ve been doing you in my sleep anyway.) Also, if you see me sneaking a sideways look, it’s because I was recording this at work as all the kids were walking home from school, which is the same reason I didn’t re-record it the right way around and with a less cumshot-looking still. I’m a responsible adult!

And here are the lyrics!

I felt you hard against my leg
And now we’re goin’ all the way
It’s just dick; I can’t resist
It’s like my boyfriend don’t exist

Kiss me, touch me, worship me!
I can’t believe this got so dirty
Sweat and chest and thighs,
Ass and boobs, contented sighs
Put it anywhere
Yell and curse and pull my hair

And just before
I get there
I’m awake
And I swear
Meetin’ your eye at work is gonna be hard.