I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Awkward Sexual Dream January 31, 2011

Okay, I wrote a new song. It’s a little short, but I couldn’t imagine adding a single word. Sorry, coworkers, I’ve had a sexual dream about all of you without exception. (Okay, not really, but just assume I’ve been doing you in my sleep anyway.) Also, if you see me sneaking a sideways look, it’s because I was recording this at work as all the kids were walking home from school, which is the same reason I didn’t re-record it the right way around and with a less cumshot-looking still. I’m a responsible adult!

And here are the lyrics!

I felt you hard against my leg
And now we’re goin’ all the way
It’s just dick; I can’t resist
It’s like my boyfriend don’t exist

Kiss me, touch me, worship me!
I can’t believe this got so dirty
Sweat and chest and thighs,
Ass and boobs, contented sighs
Put it anywhere
Yell and curse and pull my hair

And just before
I get there
I’m awake
And I swear
Meetin’ your eye at work is gonna be hard.


Bad Ass Infants, Anyone? July 29, 2010

Filed under: My Writing,Original Songs — Stephanie Fantastic @ 8:37 am
Tags: , , , ,

I wanted to finish this song before I posted it, but it looks like I never will and I really like it.

Hey little punk, little punk rock baby
Got a piercing
On your labi-aaa
Kickin’ ass and chewin’ bubble gum
Had your first abortion at 18 months
You’re too hardcore for me, little baby
You’re too mature for me, little lady
Punk rock baby, you’re too much for me!

Got a tramp stamp of a skull bunny
Underneath your ACDC onesie
You make your momma cry
When you burp out lies
About where you’ve been

I saw you down by the river, Punkette
Swiggin’ Jack and smokin’ cigarettes
In your skinny jeans
People say you’re unclean
You’re such a naughty girl!


Fuck You, Frankie Valli July 23, 2010

Filed under: Original Songs — Stephanie Fantastic @ 2:27 pm
Tags: , , ,

This is a rough, rough, rough version of how the song should sound like.  I laughed out loud when I listened to it.  I can’t believe how Jewish I sound.  And sorry for the stand-in drawing of me.  I was at work and didn’t want my uniform and haggard face in there, lol.

The lyrics to this song are here.

Edit: Holy crap, this is my 100th post. Longest blog never read, woo!


A Do Wop Song About Do Wop July 22, 2010

Okay, I wrote a song recently but I feel like this particular song needs a preface. I fucking love 50s and 60s music. Around 2000, when I started hating most of the music on KROQ, I turned to 101.1 for The Greatest Hits on Earth. After a couple years, I knew every song they played, who sang them, and all the words and I loved every minute of it.

Then I started actually listening to what I was singing along to. I was unpleasantly surprised to realize that a lot of this great music was about men cheating on women and then begging them to come back, women working really hard to get a man, and teenagers. It wasn’t entirely unlike the music of today, but it bothered me that these men would come right out and say that they loved making their women feel bad and it made them feel good to beat them, and then IN THE SAME SONG ask the women to come back to them. The female singers were just as bad though. Every amazing song Patsy Cline ever sang was about her wandering, ass hole husband. So on that note, here’s my song (and feel free to mentally add in all the Sh-booms and Do-wops):


Honey, you were the love of my life.

Havin’ a boy like you made me feel like I’d done everything right.

And when you left me, all I could do was cry,

And now I’m left to wonder…why?


Fuck you, Frankie Valli

You slept with anything that moved

Don’t tell me to hang on

Don’t sing it in a song

Put our problems on the lips

Of every teenage girl who wisheeeees

We were through

I’ll hear no more, The Beatles

You’ve got 8 new girls a week

The words you gush sound true

But you say, “I love you”

To every giiiiiirl that you meet

Don’t fall in love with morons

Be more selective, ladies, please

If he tells you to run when you break up,

Says you’re too proud when you won’t put up with his smut,

And sings it on the air for all his sluts tooooo hear

You’re probably dating an ass hole

So stop pining away

For that one one fine day

When he’ll want yoooou for his own.

I’m tired of golden oldies

Tellin’ girls they live to get a man

Fuck you, Frankie Valli

And fuck do-wop too.

It could use a little work here and there, but I like it and I’m working on trying to upload what it’s supposed to sound like, but WordPress doesn’t like my phone’s voice recorder OR video format. Picky, picky.

Edit: I just put it up on YouTube.


A relatively half-assed Steph Infection song about being a teenager at the mall March 8, 2010

Hangin’ at the mall with all my friends
Loitering around, no money to… spend
Tryin’ on clothes with no intention to buy
Bein’ up to no good sure makes the time fly

Stealin’ change from the fountain; ‘least my wish is coming true
When PMS’s bro signs for my new tattoo
I feel a little silly gettin’ inked in the mall
But until I can drive, I gotta do it local

Steph Infection, raiding the mall
Taking free samples and cheatin’ at skeeball
Havin’ rap battles with security guards
When I get kicked out, I try another door

Reading dog-eared pages in the book store
I’ll pay for it when I’m a bit less poor
Sittin’ in the food court with water cups
Waiting around for Mom to pick us up


Lady Adonis

Filed under: My Writing,Original Songs — Stephanie Fantastic @ 2:18 am
Tags: , ,

I toyed with the idea of writing a country song about a female bodybuilder but I never finished it. This one verse makes me happy though.

Edit 11/5/10: Okay, you may have noticed that there are multiple verses. I wrote some more to it ages ago, but I didn’t want to make a new post for it. Finally I just decided to add it to this one.

She looks like she could kill you
But that’s only ‘cuz she could
And if you get on her bad side,
Boy, you’d better knock on wood
‘Cuz there’n’t nothin’ like a woman scorned
And don’t I know that best?
‘Cuz my woman is a muscle-ridden female Adonis.

Ladyyyy Adonis
I love your white, white smile
Ladyyyyy Adonis
Hold that pose a while

Her pearly whites are blindin’ bright
Her skin so tan and taut
When I broke down late last night
My sweetie hauled my truck


MC PMS finally gets a song March 6, 2010

…which I scribbled in my notebook last night while half asleep. Behold.

And here’s the whole song:

Jungle black and you’re lookin’ fine
I’d swing with you from vine to vine
Chocolate skin and caramel eyes
Such a sweet treat for between my thighs
In a split second, I’d take you to bed
Only problem is I’m seeing red

I’ve got mad PMS
Send an S.O.S.
I’m drowning in this sea

I’ve opened up the flood gates
Ain’t no way to navigate
The mad emotional state
I get in when I menstruate
Don’t push me to demonstrate
I’ll kick you in the prostate
You said you just wanted a date
Now you’re left to masturbate
It really is unfortunate
You caught me at my time
You could have been mine
Now I’m left with just the rhyme
There’ll be more of your kind
And you’ll have to learn to deal with mine

Cuz all girls get mad PMS
Take it from MC PMS
You’ve got to deal with the mess
If you want to keep your girl

So forgive me for the sweet and sour
This ain’t the age of delicate flowers
We’ve got to work for our living just like you
We get equal pay but we want equal downtime too
I’ll try to keep us low on stress
But there’s no way around a little PMS.