I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Flossing December 13, 2010

So I’ve recently taken up flossing. Recently as in a couple months ago when my bee eff came home from the dentist and told me he had to go back for a sort-of painful procedure called root planing because his gums were full of plaque. My sister Ashley also recently had to have this procedure done because of a bout of trench mouth that gave her early-onset gingivitis and she wasn’t raving about it either. Ashley’s terrible medical problems are weird and unlikely enough to fill their own post though. (“When they put me under to take out my gall-bladder, it was like ice-water going through my veins and I was so cold but I couldn’t get a blanket inside me.”) The point is, root planing does not sound like something I want to go through so I began to floss.

I had never quite understood the point of flossing until I started doing it with adult eyes. I was morbidly fascinated as I watched the floss pull out bits that my toothbrush couldn’t hope to touch in its most satisfying toothbrush dreams. When I get around to finding a dentist on my new insurance, he’s not going to be able to CONTAIN his erection upon seeing my clean, clean teeth! Now I can feel when I need to floss and I feel better for doing it. All around, flossing wasn’t too bad or too time-consuming.

That is, until I cheaped out at Target and bought their Target brand floss because it was 10 cents less than the brand I had originally gotten. “Only 79 cents for the same amount of floss? What a deal!” I WON’T BE FOOLED AGAIN. This floss is the worst thing ever invented. It’s advertised as Mintastic!, which was part of the reason why I thought it would be funny to buy it. Buying things because they’re vaguely amusing to me has proved to be a terrible idea in the past and now, but I continue to do it because I don’t learn. “Mintastic!” apparently means covered in grainy sugar-crystal-esque sweetness. In addition to the unsavory texture problem, when I attempt to run the floss between my teeth, it splinters and breaks, leaving behind impossible-to-extricate floss bits. Now a normal person would throw this shitty floss away, but I DID pay 79 cents for it, so I feel like I need to use it up before I buy another reel of floss. I also kept that Neutrogena facial scrub that I hated so much. It’s just sitting in my linen closet like a ticking time bomb.

I guess the point reiterated is that I don’t learn. Also, if you have a choice between Oral B and Target brand, for God’s sake get the Oral B.

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2 Responses to “Flossing”

  1. Jill Says:

    LOLOL. Seriously- that mintastic floss sucks.

    “When I get around to finding a dentist on my new insurance, he’s not going to be able to CONTAIN his erection upon seeing my clean, clean teeth!”

    This will really happen. I hadn’t gone to the dentist in like 5 years, but recently started again. The last 3 times I went, each dentist called OTHER people in to look at my teeth. They were like, “so how old are you again?” And I was like, “I’m 23- is something wrong?” And they were like, “and you’ve never had a cavity?” And I was like, “uh, no.” And then they would erupt into chatter amongst themselves like, “she still has her mamelons,” and “look at her enamel cover” and “she says she “DOESN’T floss!”

    LOL. Dentists. I can’t understand being so enthusiastic about peoples gross, disgusting mouths and hygiene habits.

    • Stephanie Says:

      Noooo! They’re all pulling out their cameraphones for later. “Can I GO now?” Seriously, I was flossing this morning and I thought that line to myself and I was like, Well now I have to write about this.

      I need to hit the dentist’s so bad, but Ernie just went and he’s paying it off over like a year or some crap. He keeps telling me to go but we can’t afford two dentist bills.


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