I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

An Introverted Ramble and Some Love for my Nana December 9, 2010

Hey guys, I’m sorry that I’ve been away for so long and that my updates have been so sporadic. I always hate reading these kind of posts, but I know it’s sometimes necessary to tell people you’re not dead. It’s been a busy couple months and I’ve been in my own head for a lot of it having something of an existential crisis, which I finally recognized yesterday.

Every year my nana, Lee Fontana*, gathers up Christmas presents for kids involved in the Police Activies League (P.A.L.) and yesterday she had her annual party for all the contributors, which ends with the Hemet and San Jacinto policemen carting away all the presents covering every square inch of her living room. Now when I think of some old woman giving presents to kids she doesn’t know, I just assume she’s loaded and has nothing better to do with her money. I can’t help it. I mean, who else would be able to do something like that? My nana, however, is 75, lives on a fixed income from social security, and lives out in Hemet, Ca so she can make ends meet. In order to get this endeavor organized in time for Christmas, she starts asking people for money and presents in August and doesn’t stop until December. She goes to restaurants, stores, and people to literally beg for her cause. Every year she swears she’ll never do it again because it’s so much hard work, and every year she realizes that she’s the only one who is willing to put that kind of effort into kids she doesn’t know; that if she stopped going out there and squeezing corporations and generous people for as much as they’re willing to give and then also giving to the cause as much as she herself can afford, these kids will not have even the three Christmas presents each that she can give them.

It’s inspiring to see this five-foot-tall, perpetually-frazzled Jewish woman going out there and doing something for her community, and I wish I had something I was as passionate about. Watching her talk with and shovel pizza into the entire Hemet Police force as if they were her michevous sons made me ache for the same kind of familiarity. I feel like we’re getting closer to it than we were a few years ago, but the distance and the years lost make it a slow process. It was hard to keep in touch with my dad’s parents for the years I wasn’t speaking to him and even once I had started again. My Grandpa Polo’s recent death made me realize that I had him around my whole life and I barely knew anything about him. Now I have my other grandparents in my life again and they’ve been reaching out to me and I don’t know how long they’ll be around to reach out. It made me realize that I’m an adult now and it’s my responsibility to meet them half-way and get to know them and rebuild my relationship with them while they’re still around. None of my four remaining grandparents seem like they’re ready to go, but neither did my Grandpa Polo. That said, I have learned more about my grandparents in the past year than I have my entire life and I’m grateful for that.

Alternately, watching Nana’s passion for her cause made me realize that I’m not doing much with my life. I know I’m only 23 and I have time to figure out what I want to do, but I feel like I hold back because I’m lazy and easily-distracted and, when it all comes down to it, I worry about failing. I don’t want to put everything I have into something and then be shattered when it collapses in on itself. I worry that subconsciously I feel like even if my endeavors don’t go up in flames, I shouldn’t devote my whole ass to them because I will very quickly get bored with any one thing I’m doing, thus dousing my flame before it even gets started. It’s hard for me to talk about my misgivings about myself though. I’ve spent so much time presenting a strong, confident image to the world that I’ve become that image. I think if I dwell too much on my worries, I’ll become those too.

So for the new year, I need to make more time for my family; for my dad’s family because of the time we’ve spent apart, and for my mom’s family because my work has been preventing me from joining in on holidays and get-togethers. I also need to make more time to put my whole self into everything I do because I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea that everything you do should be your best work. Everything you put your name on should be worthy of your name. No more holding back.

*I wanted to note that the only places my Nana is on the internet are her slightly dusty myspace and facebook pages. I’ve linked her myspace above because she can at least work that one. If you’d like to get ahold of her to donate for next year, you can e-mail her at Leesbug@netscape.com. She’d really appreciate the help. Please don’t spam her.


2 Responses to “An Introverted Ramble and Some Love for my Nana”

  1. KoadToad Says:

    Fear of failure is such an enormous thing that I allow to hold me back. I sit here and think, “What the hell? What difference does it make if I try something and it doesn’t work out???” And yet, it’s another one of those large-gulf-between-accepting-an-idea-intellectually-and-doing-so-emotionally things. I remain scared s***less and meanwhile, the list of things I haven’t done because of it is just… staggeringly long. Blah!

    SO… I should fly out to CA and we can arrange to fail together, publicly and extravagantly… just to get the ball rolling, with mutual support! But then… if we arrange to fail and we do, I guess we’re just succeeding? Shit!
    Oh well.

    So I guess this is just another hey, me too! note from your half Polish doppelgänger…
    …although I’m still not speaking to my father, so I guess I’m your less enlightened, half Polish doppelgänger.

    • Lololol, I love the idea of an arranged failure. I don’t know how we’d fail extravagantly, but it there’s anything I’m good at, it’s going all out for relatively no reason. I’ll make a failure/success dress out of all my fabric scraps.

      It’s true though. It’s so hard to bridge the gap between knowing how dumb it is to worry about failing and actually going through with something even though you know it won’t succeed and then not being too bummed when the inevitable happens. I’ve been trying to work on not worrying so damn much. I mean, honestly, with me, I think the worst has already happened. The whole internet got together to lol at my boobs, and my body and mind got put under a microscope by anyone who cared for more than five seconds. What could anyone possibly say about any project I’m undertaking that could be worse than some of the stuff already on the internet about me? I think I got license to do whatever the hell I want and never give a damn again, which makes it even more pressing for me to stop worrying about failure, lol.

      As for enlightenment, I think it’s just that I have a short attention span, which makes it nigh impossible for me to hold grudges. Most of my family is the same way. Hooray for A.D.D!

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