I have a few things that have been floating around my mind for a couple days. One: I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me because my boobs are on the internet. I know, Normal People, that doesn’t make any sense, right? Now I don’t want to be a jerk because I think that these ladies who are e-mailing me and talking to me at the store imagine some creepy guy with a camera leering and saying, “You wanna sell pasties, kid? Well take that top off then! You’re never gonna be a staaaaaah if you’re not willing to show a little skin!” while simultaneously attempting to covertly masturbate. I just want to assure everyone that there is no creepy guy. I repeat, NO CREEPY GUY is coming to my house and taking compromising pictures of me. Every topless photo you’ve ever seen was taken by my loving and NOT creepy bee eff after I ran up to him and told him to feast his eyes on all the views that pastie-sellers with actual models got by comparison to the ones without and asked if he would help me out AFTER asking if he was okay with the idea. I mean, seriously, take a look. Which pictures do you click on? The ones that are professionally- and well- photographed and the ones with beautiful women wearing them.
So you don’t need to pray for me, Lady At The Joann’s Cutting Counter and frankly, I was a little bit offended that you would be so self-righteous as to tell me you would. And Ms. Eden from Etsy, you don’t have to feel sorry because I am in no way being coerced to take off my top. I take off my top because I’m making and selling a product that goes on a part of the female anatomy that cannot be seen with a top on. I am in no way uncomfortable with showing my body off, and even my grandma knows I’m doing it. And I don’t get off on it, contrary to your insinuation, but I have to admit that if I could get pictures of myself like the ones the girls at GothFox take, I could die happy.
So I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s not like I ever plan on running for office and even if I did, I now have a blog that has a stockpile of mud to be slung back at me. A few topless photos won’t be the only nail in my glittery coffin.
So, remember how I was talking about how I’m not uncomfortable spreading tens of topless photos around on the endless internet? Well, this is point number two: My bee eff was talking about a Muslim woman who is suing Disneyland because she didn’t want to take off her head-scarf for religious reasons and they fought her on it. (Trust me, that wasn’t just a feint so I could talk about something I know almost nothing about. I’m actually going somewhere with this.) I personally think that that’s great for her to stand up for her culture and her beliefs. Ernie (bee eff) says that Disneyland has a very strict costuming policy and that she shouldn’t work there if she has issues with any of the costumes, and he, of course, brought up the guy who sued Hooters for not letting him be a waiter there. (Okay, it might have been me who brought that guy up, but someone ALWAYS brings that guy up.) Now I think we all agree that that guy is seriously lame, but what if a fat chick wants to work at Hooters? Is she lame for wanting to work there? Is a girl who is skinny but ugly lame for wanting to work there?
Okay, I’m completely off the topic I was originally getting to. Her culture. It’s awesome that she is strong enough to say, No. I will not compromise who I am and what I believe for you, Employer. (This is all speculation because I did absolutely no research and don’t plan to, in case it makes people think I’m a legitimate source of opinions and information.) Maybe if we all stood up for our beliefs, we wouldn’t be working on Christmas and Thanksgiving and Halloween and missing our families until we’re old enough or have enough senority to get those days off. We’re a country of immigrants taking advantage of newer immigrants. People on the news bitch and whine about the influx of Middle Easterners and Mexicans, but why? Just from an economic standpoint, now you’ve got more people to work on days that your religion makes you resentful for having to work on.
Every company should give you at least three holidays that you can take off, no questions asked. If you REALLY don’t want to work Christmas, I’m sure there’s a Jewish guy or a disaffected nihilist who will swap the day for you if you let him go to his important celebration. If the old hippie at your work wants to use his three free days a year for Burning Man, who are you to say that’s any less important than Easter? If more people stood up for what was important to them and stopped bullshitting about what isn’t, we wouldn’t have such an unforgiving work environment.
I guess what I’m getting at is that we all have different limits and different reasons for doing what we do. If you could use the overtime and your kids are all living in different states and you have no problem working Thanksgiving, work it so that the dad of three whose entire extended family flies to his house just for his wife’s amazing dinner can help her make stuffing and shuck corn. Then, when you’re really excited about your 4th of July barbecue and he usually does nothing, you can pay him back. We’re all just human. I know a little bit of paying it forward probably won’t change any CEOs minds, but it sure as hell makes having to work so you can live in a house with a toilet a lot easier.
Okay, I lied. I actually forgot how I was going to tie together my first and second points. It was going to be ingenius though, let me assure you. Oh well, chew on that a little bit, The Internet, and let me know what you think. (It’s okay if you think I’m full of shit. I am, a little, just like everyone else.)