I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

This spider is mocking me with its presence August 16, 2010

Filed under: Melodrama,My Job — Stephanie Fantastic @ 7:57 am
Tags: , , ,

I sat here last night in my guard shack writing about karaoke, blissfully unaware of a spider constructing its web directly over the back door. I was momentarily sickened to the point of almost vomiting when I realized that I could have very easily walked outside to take out the trash and had a gigantic spider on my fucking face. Look at this thing!


It’s the size of a quarter and it’s just sitting there in thin air making it impossible for me to feel safe opening up the top half our hilarious doors. I seriously hate spiders. They’re always trying to get all up in my business. I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS.

I felt really dumb the other day because I noticed a tiny little spider crawling on my legs. One of those ones that looks like a speck of dust until it starts moving. I was seized with panic. It’s on me! I don’t want to touch it with my hands! What do I do?! Quick! Find something to smash it with. SWEET JESUS, STEPHANIE, DON’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF IT! Nothing is close enough for me to grab and smash thing with!

Then I realized it was an ant and, without any hesitation, smashed it with my finger.

I don’t get it. How come even the tiniest of spiders turns me into a squealing little kid? No other bug has the ability to do that to me. I work right next to a lake so there’s a constant stream of flying, jumping, and crawling bugs around, but I don’t even flinch when I see them. I’ll even take them outside the shack in my hand if they’re annoying me enough (Notice how I resisted the temptation to say “if they’re bugging me enough.” At least I can take consolation in the fact that I’m not like my dad in that respect.) Something in my brain completely shuts down when I am anywhere near a spider though. All I can do is walk over to the window three times a minute and glare at that damn spider.

Fuck you, Spider! What do you even want from me?! I know your web is right next to a light, which is like a spider buffet once the sun sets, but I don’t want to look at you! At least it’s my Friday and hopefully someone will have walked into that web face first or, hopefully for them, taken the web down with a broom and brutally beaten the spider to death before I get back in three days. I hope it’s not the type of spider that explodes in a maelstrom of spider guts when you smash it.

Edit: Holy shit, that spider is already sending assassins in after me not three seconds after I finished this post. I got up and almost put my face into another spider coming down from the ceiling fan. Luckily I have catlike reflexes and I disposed of it in midair. I jokingly put in the tags “Is the spider on my head?” Looks like I’m a fucking psychic! Well played, spiders, but you’ll have to be craftier than that to take me out. (Please don’t send any more spiders in.)

Edit 2: Oh sweet Jesus, the UPS guy walked right through that horrifying spiderweb on his way in to use the bathroom and now that spider is going to get me on the toilet or make him crash his UPS truck. R.I.P. UPS guy.


10 Responses to “This spider is mocking me with its presence”

  1. Jill Says:

    LOLOLOL, oh god, my sentiments exactly. With any other bug, you almost feel bad for them; you know they don’t want to be inside and through some unfortunate turn of events they lost their way and ended up near you, scared out of their little buggy minds. But with spiders, it’s like they know better and they’ve somehow orchestrated their presence just so you’ll be caught off guard and caught with your face in their webs. They’re prdators! They should know better!

    Oh man, fuck those red spiders. That’s one thing I don’t fucking miss about Lake Forest: those god damn silver-dollar sized, red tree spiders. FUCK THAT! You can walk into a door, and then 5 minutes later walk into one of those things on your way out. Oh, Jesus Christ, and they’re fast, too. Fucking disgusting! But they’re almost never indoors, which is good.

    Hawaii doesn’t really have spiders everywhere like OC. I mean, yeah, if you climb a tree or go wandering through some bushes you’ll probably run into one, but they’re not swarming all over the place, waiting to crawl indoors at any second like they are in CA. I worry because I had long ago cultivated a sixth sense for the presence of spiders and I’m afraid I’ll get out of practice before we move back. I mean, I was once EVER ALERT for those doorway webs, but now I hardly even check anymore.

    So, in OC, if you kill a spider, you’re probably safe for at least a day thanks to the fact that they are territorial and good old probability. Also, if you let one spider live in a far-off corner and let it get just big enough that it scares off others, then at least you always know where it is and you only have to worry about the one. Third, always go for the broom and don’t bother with Raid or anything because those red motherfuckers are tough (one took several phases of Raid attack and developed a partial immunity to the stuff before I was able to kill it in Lake Forest). Also, the way they writhe and squirm around is fucking nauseating and the kill is not worth having to watch it. Ew. Also, don’t wound a spider you can’t kill! It’ll remember your face!

    • Stephanie Says:

      It’s in my guard shack RIGHT NOW. I’m sure of it. I feel like I made a blog post about the prophet Mohammad and now all spiders are trying to suicide bomb me. Crafty bastards.

      And seriously, when I was working in Laguna Niguel, I had seen some spiders that were the size of my fucking hand. I saw an exterminator go up against one with a spray can and just barely win. That thing was screaming and running around and putting up a crazy fight. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! I’m pretty lucky because Ernie is tall enough that any spiderwebs anywhere near my head, he usually takes right in the face. That’s why I keep him around.

      • Jill Says:

        LOL, srsly. I know, I always followed Tim into the carport and the laundry room at our last place. LOL.

        • Stephanie Says:

          XD My hair has gotten really long so every three seconds when it touches my arm, I’m like, HOLY FUCK THAT FUCKING SPIDER!

          • Jill Says:

            Yeah, I know. That’s, like, one of the main reasons I always tie my hair back. If it touches my neck I think there are spiders!!! I know it’s crazy, but you don’t see me with spiders in my hair, do you?

            • Stephanie Says:

              Lol, my words are a little column. I would have to just chop all my hair off if I found spiders in it and I wouldn’t even be able to make a wig out of it because I’d be TOO worried about spiders.

  2. Dan Bahr Says:

    I am a grown man who shies away from little but spiders still will always give me the creeps. It is such an irrational fear I don’t know what makes it such a big deal, maybe it was watching Arachnaphobia when I was a kid.

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