I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Billionaire Fantasies July 7, 2010

I think a lot about what I’d do if I was a billionaire. Like, I spend way too much time entertaining ideas on the many ways I could squander large amounts of cash, many of those ideas involving gratuitous surveillance of random people. I’d tip waitresses a hundred dollars and buy a limo full of sandwiches to give to the homeless. Fun things that don’t include me having to deal with foundations and crap. Today, I was thinking about how awesome it would it would be to steal someone’s old, shitty car and move all their things into the exact same place in a brand new one. Again, though, gratuitous surveillance is so necessary because I wouldn’t want to go around giving ass holes brand new cars.

I love the idea of paying it forward like that. It’d be so fun. Also, giving gifts rocks. And it’s not like I’d immediately put their old car in the compressor. I’d give them a chance to turn the gift down.

Anyways, I wish more billionaires were cartoonishly lavish.


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