I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Fearless June 20, 2010

As I was standing in front of a teenager’s car last night at work trying to prevent what would inevitably be a shitstorm for me later, I realized a couple things. First of all, I’ve grown a pretty massive pair of balls working security. I have never stood in front of a car in my life, but that’s what needed to be done. Before I worked this job, I used to need a good five minutes to compose myself after people yelled at me. Barely keeping it together, I’d tell them whatever needed to be said, make sure it happened, and then rush off to the bathroom to get presentable again. I’ve always been like this. When teachers used to yell at the whole class (my pregnant, and therefore crazy, 5th grade teacher most memorably) or my mom was screaming at the whole car, something in my brain became five years old again and unable to cope. Now I can pretty much tell people to fuck off with ease. It’s liberating.

Which brings me to my next realization. My boobs are on the internet. I have laid myself out for everyone to see and I no longer care if people don’t like me. If I did, I’d be wallowing in self-pity and doubt every waking moment. So who gives a shit if some teenage girl is pissed at me for ruining her Daddy’s Away Gang Bang? Not me! I’ve got more personal things to not worry about!

So if you ever doubt how awesome you are, make yourself up, put on something cute, and get a good, sexy picture of yourself to bring you back on track. It’s always helped me. I used to tape my camera up to my mirror so I could see how I looked and take my own pictures with the timer. Don’t be afraid to take as many as you need to get a great one, and forget about the bad ones. Just delete them as soon as you decide they’re no good. Just seeing that one good picture makes me wonder how I ever could have gotten a bad one.

Well, that’s my bit for today. Have a happy Father’s Day, folks, and now back to your regularly scheduled comedy and boobs.


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