I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Adventures in Portland March 31, 2010

Ernie and I had a lot of adventures today in Portland with Kate and her girlfriend. I bought a pair of metallic blue Dr. Martens, we ate a doughnut at Voodoo Doughnuts, and we tooled around Powell’s Book Store and Spartacus. The best adventure we had though was on the Max trolley.

We were on it for less than ten minutes total and we got into a conversation with a snarky Intel worker. Ernie asked him if Intel gave tours and I asked him if those tours were like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We were yucking it up and talking about where we’re from and the time he took a first class flight to Seattle and got totally pissed on free booze when an older man and a young guy boarded and sat across from us and behind Kate and her girlfriend. I was vaguely aware of the young guy (who looked like Jerri Blank’s son) saying something about faggots while we were talking about my gay dad and the Intel employee was making gay jokes about himself, but I never pay much attention to my surroundings. I started tuning in to what the kid was saying when the older guy started telling him to shut up.

The kid started yelling at the Intel employee about how this was free America and he didn’t want to hear about this faggot shit. The Intel employee took it in stride though and told the kid that was fine and he was actually straight, but if the kid was uncomfortable with gays, that was all well and good. Meanwhile, his uncle (he mentioned later) had smacked him upside the head several times and told him to shut up. The kid looked like he was going to start a fight at one point when, for about 10 seconds, he just froze with his fist up and his angry face on. I thought maybe his batteries had died, he held it for so long.

After the uncle shut his nephew up (and told him to do “the hand trick” several times), he told us about how he had hair longer than Ernie’s at one point. He cut it off to give to a foundation and when he was going through his boxes after his divorce, he opened a box and thought the ponytail of hair was a giant rat and he shot his own hair.

The nephew looked Kate and her girlfriend over after the Intel worker got off the Max and asked them if they were sisters or cousins. Kate’s girlfriend looked at him for a second and told him and the kid immediately became apologetic again. He was drunk or something because he could barely string sentences together. I think he was saying that his baby-momma’s dad molested her as a kid and that’s why he hates fags. It doesn’t make any sense but people rarely do. The uncle told him to shut up and do the hand trick again and then mentioned that one time he saw a truck roll down the street right where we were passing. Then it was our stop and that was when we finally noticed that the nephew had no right arm. I finally got to lol at the idea of “the hand trick.”


One Response to “Adventures in Portland”

  1. Brittany, also great Says:

    Man, adventure! And madness! Sounds like fun!

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