I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Porn for Every Occasion March 27, 2010

I have spent the bulk of the last two days laughing at cartoon porn. I don’t understand it but it’s damned hilarious. I love the internet. I started out innocently enough, googling costumes. Then I came across this:

image

Wat? I had to know the story. So I went to the site, which turned out to be Geekologie, a site I was already aware of. Somehow, I didn’t see the picture I had originally come to the site for but I found something so much better. Geekologie already went into pretty great detail so I won’t, but I stumbled on Star Wars porn. After hours of navigating through that while at work, I came to the end of the seemingly endless images of Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman taking it from slave girls, aliens, and each other. Also, a Deanna Troy masturbation picture. Who doesn’t love Troy?

But I had nothing to do again so I hit the internet. I innocently searched “men” and came back with a lot of X-Men images. Since I was already in porn mode, the inevitable happened and I was engulfed in a flood of badly-drawn, poorly-written, hairy Wolverine porn comics. I could have saved some of those but the funniest comic, by far, was this one.

image

Mystique’s eyes, sweet Jesus! Also, I’d be worried if I was sucking on a guy’s sweaty coke. The worst part is that there were about a million other comics like that by the same guy, all just as convoluted and bad.

When my Google search finally started turning up more actual porn than X-Men porn, I remembered that when I was very young, the first porn I had ever seen was in the form of a notebook of dirty pictures of Disney characters that my next door neighbor’s kid had hidden at our house so he wouldn’t get in trouble. I figured if he had those in the days before computers were a part of everyone’s lives, the internet must be lousy with bad art of Disney characters getting it on. I wasn’t dissapointed.

image

Why does Beast have two sets of balls?

image

Oh wait, it’s probably the same reason Tinkerbell has a vagina on her bellybutton. The people who draw Disney characters having sex have never seen genitals in their lives. At least the Star Wars porn girl (I can’t help it, Ernie, I imagine her a girl) knew what she was doing with anatomy.

Other than the badly-drawn, anatomically incorrectness, one of the most puzzling things I came across while looking at the Disney porn in particular, was that more than half of the drawings were incestuous. Why would Mulan bang her dad? She had that hot trainer to go after! Why would King Trident force himself on Ariel? It’s not like his wife doesn’t put out. They had like eight daughters. I can only guess that the kind of people who are aroused by Disney characters having sex are also the kind of people who want their daddies to rape them. Kim Possible can have her pick of any guy at her school. There’s no reason for her to have a threesome with her parents!

And that’s a prevalent theme in Simpsons porn, too, which came up a lot in the Disney porn search. I don’t get it. Bart and Marge porn is not hot! And who wants to see the Simpsons having sex? All yellow skin and tombstone teeth. Well, that was my foray into internet porn. Nothing like bugs on dicks or chopped up anime girls, but pretty good.

Advertisements
 

3 Responses to “Porn for Every Occasion”

  1. Brittany, also great Says:

    Oh, internet! Incest-tastic! As for the Beast, I don’t think that hes supposed to have two sets of balls, lol. From what I’ve seen at work, intact male dogs have a similar looking lump on their penises when they have boners. People have it examined all the time, thinking its like cancer or something. The Doctor always says, “Um, that just means…hes happy.” So, I’m thinking its just supposed to look like an animal cock. Or, two sets of balls. Heh. But Tinkerbell’s vagina is totally all over the place! What a mess!

  2. Brittany, also great Says:

    That sounds about right! Lol.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s