I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

B.S.in’ with Brittany and Stephanie! March 23, 2010

Filed under: My Writing — Stephanie Fantastic @ 2:33 am
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Brittany and Stephanie’s News Pool Party Extravaganza!

Celebrating One Full Year of B.S!

Where: Scott McClellan’s house
When: 6PM until ?

[Insert map to Scott’s house]

-As Stephanie and Brittany greet their incoming guests, Joe Scarborough is sighted-

Stephanie: Get out of here, you average Joe!  You weren’t even invited!
Joe Scarborough: -standing outside the doorway in his Hawaiian shirt with a water noodle under his arm, looking crestfallen-  But…but I’m Joe Scarborough…and everyone was invited…even O’Reilly.

-O’Reilly walks by talking to people, holding a drink with an umbrella in it.  He looks over for a second and waves-

Stephanie: I know who you are!  Get the fuck out!
-Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes, sensing trouble, appear from the shadows-
Colmes: Is this man bothering you?
Hannity: You want I should take him out? -pounding his fist into his open palm-
Stephanie: Nah, just escort him off the property…this time.

-Hannity and Colmes pick Scarborough up between them and carry him off the property while Monica Crowley sidles past-

Monica: Hey you guys!  Great party!  I brought some Shasta cola because I heard you like–
Brittany: What the hell, bitch?!
Stephanie: Look at the size of that thing!  You can’t fit that much fucking soda into that tiny freaking mini-fridge!  I can’t believe you brought that shitty Shasta cola to our anniversary party.  Jesus Christ, you couldn’t shell out twenty more cents for brand name cola?
Brittany: Hey Scott! -She snatches the bottle from Monica’s hands and throws it into Scott’s white trash bag-
Scott:  -taking the cola out and examining it-  Uhh, this is new.  It’s completely unopened.
Brittany: Throw it away, Scott.

-Scott puts the bottle under his arm, shakes his head, and walks away.  Brittany whistles for Hannity to escort her out as roughly as possible.-

Stephanie: By the way, Hannity, you can do whatever you want with this one.
Brittany: Go crazy.
Stephanie: Knock yourself out.
Brittany: This is a party.
Stephanie: You deserve it.
Hannity: I have a wife.

-Stephanie rolls her eyes and sighs really loud.-

Brittany: Whatever.  Hey look!  Here comes Dan Abrams.  You call yourself a man, Hannity?  Get outta here!

-Hannity rolls his eyes and drags Monica out by her hair.-

Dan Abrams: Hey, I brought some Shasta cola!  Is there room in your mini-fridge?
Stephanie: Hell yea, Dan Abrams!  There’s always room in our mini fridge for your Shasta cola.
Brittany:  Oh man, that’s so thoughtful.  That’s so like you.  And it’s such a good buy.
-Brittany and Stephanie begin to schmooze through the party.-

Brian Williams:  This is the finest unit I’ve ever held in my hands.

-Their ears perk up.-

Brittany: What’s going on over there?

-trying to peer over people, pushing through the crowd, which opens up to Brian Williams holding a huge flashlight and pretending like he’s going to flash it in people’s eyes-

Brittany: -fist clenched- Uuuuugghh, who let him in?  He’s network.  I hate network!
Stephanie: Damn that Brian Williams and his flashlight fetish!  Oh my god, is that– is that a 3-D Jell-o sculpture of our heads?!
Brittany: -both following the tray- Did Lou Dobbs make that?
Stephanie: Man, that is amazing.  How did he even do that?
Brittany: Aww, that’s sweet.  It says, “One year of B.S.”  We’ve got to remember to thank him.
Stephanie: Ooo!  Look!  Scott’s hanging the pinata!  Me first!  -Stephanie is quickly blindfolded and batting wildly at the pinata-

Rick Sanchez: Hey!  Hey guys, I just learned that I can withstand the force of a chair being broken over me.  Brittany, do it!  Break a chair over me!  It’s a party!
Brittany: I don’t know, Rick.  It seems like one of those things that could go horribly awry.  I mean, before we know it, I could be on trial for manslaughter.
Rick: Come on, I can take it!  Do it!  DO IT!
Stephanie: Hey, is that Rick Sanchez?!  -swings bat into the pinata, breaking it and sending the news correspondents running for candy.  The bat comes around and hits Rick Sanchez full on in the face.-
Brittany: Oh shit, is he dead?

-They drag him toward the pool house while everyone’s back is turned because they’re diving for mallowmars and 100 Grands-
Someone: This is the best party I’ve been to all year!
Someone: Full-sized 100 Grand bars?!  How often do you get those out of a pinata?!

-Brittany and Stephanie stop dragging for a second to nod knowingly.  Oh yea, full-sized candy bars are always a hit.  They drag Rick into the pool house.-

Brittany: I’m not gonna let fuckin’ dead Rick Sanchez ruin my fucking party!  We’ll just do it like Weekend at Bernie’s.  Okay, give me your sunglasses.  -She pulls tape out of a drawer in the pool house and tapes the glasses to Rick’s face.-
Lou Dobbs: Hey Rick!  Don’t you want some candy?!  There’s full-sized Hundred Thousand Dollar bars out here!  -waving 100 Grand bar from across the lawn-
Stephanie: Oh you know Rick!  He’s such a party animal!
Brittany: Oh, uh, shit. -covers her mouth, attempts to imitate Rick’s voice-  I’m totally wasted, yo!  Taser me again!  Woooo!  -waving Rick’s arm around-
Lou: -laughing-  Umm, okay Rick.
Brittany:  -leans back in conspiratorially- Okay, let’s drag him back out there and prop him up somewhere.
Stephanie:  Hell no!  You saw how hard it was to drag him in here.  Just, uhh, put a beer in his hand and…uhh…-throws a bowl of chips on his lap-
Brittany: Wait, wait, wait.  Also this. -opens up a 100 Grand bar, takes a bite out of it, and places it in Rick’s hand.  They head back to the food table.-

Anderson Cooper comes up to the table with a three bean salad from some chic New York restaurant.  Brittany and Stephanie make a joint effort to shove the huge jell-o sculpture of our heads off the table to make room for Anderson’s dish.

Anderson: -sighs loudly- That’s going to be an awkward carpool.
Stephanie: Uhh, sorry Lou.  It looked really tasty.
Brittany: And the craftsmanship.  Wow!
Lou Dobbs’s lip quivers. He starts crying and runs away to lock himself in the bathroom.
Brittany: -dramatic sigh-  He works hard… Anyway, awesome salad, Anderson!  -rips the plastic off and throws it in the nearby pool-
Anderson: So is Erica Hill here yet?
Stephanie: Yea, she’s right over there by the pool talking with– hey!  Is that JOE SCARBOROUGH?!
Brittany: What the FUCK?! -pulls a whistle out of her dress and blows it- HANNITY!
-Hannity comes rushing over with Colmes on his heels, huffing-
Brittany: First Brian Williams and now this?!  You’re falling down on the job, Hannity -she raises her hand as if to backhand Colmes directly in the face.  Colmes cringes.-
Hannity: -jumps forward- No, not Colmes!  He’s so brittle!
Brittany: You take care of this.
Stephanie: Take him our back and teach him a lesson.
-Hannity and Colmes grab Joe Scarborough, hustle him roughly out the back gate, and a single gunshot is heard.  Brittany and Stephanie gasp, then shrug and walk off toward the grill and start it up.  After a while of grilling, they pass the task off to Keith Olbermann, who is wearing a baseball cap and Sox jersey-
Brittany: Keep it goin’ Olbermann!
Olbermann: Okay! -all smiles and giving the thumbs up with a spatula in his hand-
Brittany: Thanks pal! -walking away-  What an old bastard…
Stephanie: I fucking hate that guy…with his hairy old legs hangin’ out.
Brittany: -shudders- Gross!

Brittany and Stephanie give a speech congratulating themselves and talking at length about how great they are.  You’ve seen me talk.  You can imagine.

Tucker Carlson shows up, already drunk off his ass, with Kimberly Carter in tow.
Stephanie:  Pffft, who invited you and who’s that?
Tucker: S’Kimmy, man.  She’s my special lady. -he touches her head, messing up her hair really badly-
Stephanie:  What about your wife?
Tucker: Beh!  Separated. -he proceeds to do coke off of Kimmy-
Stephanie fights hard to hide her disgust, but doesn’t have to pretend for too long because Brittany grabs her away to go see Richard Quest, who just arrived with a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.
Richard:  I got you all these tacky gifts from across the pond.  Here are some commemorative spoons with “Congrats on one full year of B.S.” engraved into them, tea cozies with “Keep that B.S. a’comin'” embroidered into them, oh, and here are some thimbles with the Queen on them!
Brittany: Oh my God, Richard!  We love tacky gifts!
Stephanie:  You are the best! -leans back and looks scornful-  Where’s your tacky gift, Aaron Brown?
-Aaron shrugs and continues to eat a hot dog-
Stephanie: We have an announcement to make!  You are all sub-par guests by comparison to Richard Quest.  -Richard waves vigorously to Anderson Cooper, who grins and mouths ‘hi’- Commence hating yourselves.
Brittany:  Richard Quest, everyone!
-Richard smiles wide and takes a bow, which is sparsely applauded by confused news personalities-

Paula Zahn: Scott, make Lou Dobbs get out of the bathroom!  Everyone has to pee!  Tucker Carlson peed in the sink and it reeks!
Nancy Grace: -gasp- No!  Oh my Lord!
Scott:  Oh Jesus Christ, my fucking kitchen! -bustles off to go clean up-

Tucker: -leans in to Brittany, getting his beer breath all up in her face- You’re outta Heiny.
Brittany: Because you fucking drank it all, you goddamn drunk.
Tucker: What?! -attempts to gesture indignantly and spills Brittany’s drink all over her-
Brittany: Oh man, you prick! -shoves Tucker out of his chair into the pool-

-Tucker takes off his shirt, his bowtie getting sucked into the drain, and does a drunken lap-

Brittany: Whoa, get a load of those man titties.
Nancy Grace:  Uhh, is he going to drown?
Brittany: Don’t worry, we’ve got Gupta on the job! -claps Nancy on the back and gestures to Sanjay-
Sanjay: Hey look! -he eats the fire off a tiki light, then downs a bottle of vodka and lights a match near his face, blowing a whirlwind of flame-

-Kimberly Carter rushes around the edges of the pool, desperately trying to help Tucker out.  She grabs the pool strainer and tries to get him to hold on to it. When she finally fishes him out, they go into the pool house and a couple minutes later, Kimberly comes running out with a coke straw up her nose.-

Kimberly: He raped me!  And he cut me up!
Sanjay: -stumbles over, slurring- Move aside, I’m a doctor! -looks her over-  I don’t see any abrrraaasions.
Kimberly: Well- well then he just raped me.  -pulls the coke straw out of her nose, throws it over her shoulder, and inhales twice quickly-

-cops burst in to break up the party.  Kimberly dramatically cries into a cop’s arms-
Cop: There, there.  We’ll get him.
Stephanie: Wait, Who called the cops?  Didn’t she just get raped?

-Tucker stumbles out of the pool house and all the cops tackle him.  The cops start to drag him away.  Scott McClellan is straining beer cans out of the pool.  Tucker pukes on a cop’s pants and into the pool, scattering what few people are left in there.  Larry King comes out the door.-

Tucker:  Larry King!  I want to have your babies. -playing with Larry’s suspenders-
Brittany and Stephanie shove Larry King out of the way and cops handcuff Tucker.-
Brittany: Just take him away! -slams buggy, mossy bowtie into Tucker’s chest-  You ruined our party!
Stephanie: You are a bad man! -starts crying-
Brittany: -spits on Tucker and also starts crying-
-police escort Tucker off the property-
Chris Matthews: -claps his hands on both of our shoulders from behind- That sucks, girls.  I’m not inviting him to my next pool party.  You girls give me a call if you ever want to play Hardball. -hands us his card-
Brittany and Stephanie: Thanks, Chris.
Chris: Now give us a smile.
-Brittany and Stephanie attempt fake smiles-
Chris: Thaaat’s better. -walks off-
Stephanie: -throwing Chris’s card over her shoulder-  Well, it’s the thought that counts.
-Larry King shakes off the gross, goes through the pool house, trips over Rick Sanchez, and breaks his hip-

After everyone has dispersed, Scott is still roaming his house with a giant garbage bag trying to clean up
Scott: I’m so not your guys’ friend anymore.
Brittany: But Scott!
Stephanie: Scott!  No, man, NO!  We were like this, man! -both girls crossing their fingers and thrusting them in Scott’s face-
Scott: Whatever, you guys. I have to go bleach down my pool house because there are beer bottles and food wrappers in it and Tucker Carlson took a piss in my sink.
Stephanie: -sheepish-  Yeaaa, we heard.  That’s pretty gross.

-Scott McClellan leaves in a huff, passes Rick Sanchez, who’s pulling the sunglasses and tape out of his hair-
Rick: Oh god, my head.  How long have I been out?
Scott: -rustling of bottles-  Is that cocaine?! -rustling of cans and wrappers-  Is that fucking Larry King?!
Larry: Oh god, someone call an ambulance!  My hip is broken!
-Brittany and Stephanie start running out-
Brittany: Wait!  That bastard, not our friend anymore!  Come help me!
-Brittany and Stephanie roll the barbeque into the pool-
Scott: Goddamn you guys! -runs over to try and heave his barbeque out of the pool.  Hamburgers, hotdogs, and steaks floating around in the pool-  This is–this is–this is B.S!

-Brittany and Stephanie walk past Rick Sanchez, who tripped over Joe Scarborough’s body and cracked his skull open on the curb-
Stephanie: Hey, you think we should call an ambulance for Rick Sanchez?
Brittany: Yea, might as well.
Brittany: Hello, yes, we have a murder and two possible attempted murders.  Scot McClellan’s gone crazy.  I think he’s on the cocaine.  He beat Rick Sanchez over the head with a bat.  Oh god, and he shoved Larry King!  That man is so frail!  He’s so old!  I just found Joe Scarborough’s body!  This is the worst party ever!  No, I cannot give you a name, but I can give you an address.

Thanks:
Scott McClellan:  Thanks for letting us use your pool house, dude!
Rick Sanchez:  You rock!
Dan Abrams: You know how we love that Shasta cola!
Anderson Cooper:  Thanks for coming!
Richard Quest:  Tacky gifts from drunk British guys are the best kind.
Sanjay Gupta:  Seriously, how much will it cost to have you eat fire at my next party?
Chris Matthews:  I think of you as my news grandpa.
Erica Hill, Aaron Brown, Nancy Grace, Paula Zahn

Apologies:
Scott McClellan: Sorry we ruined your pool house, dude!  Hope we can still be friends!
Rick Sanchez:  Sorry we killed you.  You rock!
Lou Dobbs:  If you ever made us an elaborate Jell-o mold, we would, like, prize it and treasure it and admire it and like, eat it and stuff.  We would definitely not shove it over.
Larry King:  We’re sorry for the horrible things we did to you.
Joe Scarborough:  You really did nothing to award you such treatment.  Well, you know, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Keith Olbermann:  Sorry about the hateful things we said.  Hope we can still be buds.
Tucker Carlson:  Were we ever out of line!  We know you don’t do coke…off of women…often.
“Kimmy”:  Yea, you know who you are.  We were still out of line, but that’s good comedy.
Brian Williams:  Wait, you actually said that.  I guess I’m apologizing for documenting your shame.
Hannity and Colmes:  You guys are…cool.

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4 Responses to “B.S.in’ with Brittany and Stephanie!”

  1. DJ Schway Says:

    Man, that was a long read. But totally worth it. I lol’d plenty of times.

    Totally lookin’ forward to more.

    • Stephanie Says:

      Lol, more? I wish there was more. We had started writing a tabloid report of the party written by our favorite fictional reporter, Chase T. Leibowitz, but I have no idea where that went and we never finished it anyway.

  2. Brittany, also great Says:

    Its so awesome that you posted this! Its the best pretend news show party EVER!


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