I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Newsies March 22, 2010

No, this isn’t a post about the Christian Bale musical by Disney, but it probably should be. This is about an obsession with cable news that Brittany and I shared in my senior year of high school. We didn’t so much care about what was going on. Terri Schiavo, Natalie Holloway, the death of the Pope, meh. Well, the death of the Pope put to rest our fantasies of creating a 90’s-style after school special called Pope and Me in which the Pope would morally guide us when we accidentally put a baseball through Mrs. Oldlady’s window and other wacky sitch-eeashuns. The new Pope just isn’t approachable like John Paul was in my imaginary fantasy world.

We were obsessed with newscasters. MSNBC was our MTV. We watched for all the cute boys and speculated constantly on sexuality and which news-mankiss would be the best. My entire spring break that year was spent watching Anderson Cooper, Max Kellerman, Rachel Maddow, and Tucker Carlson, the pagan God of Menstruation. I asked Dan Abrams to my senior prom and he turned me down on the air. I was so jazzed that I took the tape of it in to my English class and showed everyone. When Dan Abrams was out in California for the Michael Jackson trial, all I wanted to do was ditch school for a week and sexually harass him.  The news wasn’t all hot guys crying over dead children though.  There were plenty of laughs.  We saw Rick Sanchez get tasered, chased by dogs, dropped into a lake in a sealed car and forced to get out on his own, and left out at sea for the coast guard to find.  We read all about a rape charge filed against Tucker Carlson that turned out to be completely bogus because he was filming a show across the country from the accuser at the time of the rape.  Max Kellerman is not only redhot but hilarious, too, and I loved his constant movie references on The Situation.  We found a picture of Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s medical correspondent and the current surgeon general, breathing fire and I still wish I knew the context of it because it was an awesome photo.

Numerous comics, buttons, and stories came out of this obsession, the best of which I will post here.  Brittany and I wanted desperately to give the news from an over-the-top teen girl perspective. We also wanted a wacky brunch show with Alessio (a hot Italian newscaster who covered the Pope’s death) and Richard Quest (a hilarious British newsman who covered the Queen’s something-or-other and almost died in the London bombings), and submitted the idea to CNN only to receive a generic response e-mail. We’re stubborn, however, so when we can’t get what we want, we just imagine we already have it. I hope this post prepares you for the best bits (read: the parts we wrote) of the transcript of the one year anniversary/we-didn’t-get-canceled-off-MSNBC party for our news show, B.S.in’ with Brittany and Stephanie.

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