I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Blood and Donuts March 5, 2010

I’d like to talk today about a movie that is absolutely terrible and great. My friend Brittany (remember that name because she’ll crop up a lot) and I rented and then subsequently bought this VHS at her local Jungle Video back in the innocent days when independent movie rental places actually made money. I’m talking, of course, of Blood and Donuts. It’s a low-budget Canadian movie about a crass, unfortunate-looking donut shop cashier, a foreign cabbie whose accent, though consistent throughout the film, has no determinable origin, and a recently-awakened vampire who has been hibernating since the moon-landing for no apparent reason. The tagline of this movie was, and I’m not making this up, “There is a place between the living and the dead–and it’s open 24 hours.” And although most of the actors in this movie were unknowns, you might recognize Boya the vampire as the star of all three Left Behind movies. His career took a weird turn.

The Story

This movie’s basic plot is vampire loves human.  After that, the story gets a little strange.  If you see this movie and I get something wrong, forgive me.  It’s been some obscene amount of years since I’ve actually watched it.  So Earl the cabbie goes to his local donut shop every night for a daily dose of fresh crullers and the seething hatred that Molly, the waitress/cashier provides.  Apparently Molly is America’s fucking sweetheart because every guy in the movie has a crush on her even though she’s a sarcastic bitch with a caveman brow and really wide-set eyes.  Like freakishly so.  Earl is also involved with the Canadian mob for reasons unknown and they are none too happy with him.  Earl meets Boya when Boya needs a ride to the local cemetery to dig up what appears to be his own grave.  While Boya is crying over 30-year-old pictures of his old girlfriend (an actress we’ve already seen by this point pretending to be a middle-aged woman trying to be young), Earl’s mob friends catch up with him and need his cab for their shady purposes.  Things go bad for Earl real quick and he shacks up with Boya to avoid being, I assume, kicked repeatedly by the mob and having one of those plastic lemons’ worth of lemonade powder poured on his wounds.  Oh wait, that happens later anyways so he might as well have just dealt with it.  Over the course of the movie, Boya remotely gives Molly a wicked awesome orgasm, reveals to Earl by accident that he’s a vampire but it’s a-okay, and vanquishes the mob and its boss. Happy ending, right? Not on Boya’s watch. He fries himself in the sun at the end.

Selected Hilarity

The dreamgasm and the unmoblike plastic lemon torture were just the beginning of the weirdness of this movie though.  There were also drawn out speeches about quince jam and bowling shoes, the mob boss was ridiculously nonthreatening, and Boya’s crazy ex-girlfriend was running around harassing everyone pretty much the entire movie.  Towards the end, his crazy ex barges into his flophouse, throws a huge fit about Boya and Molly, then shoots herself in the head.  That’s right.  She SHOOTS herself in the HEAD.  Not before she says that she’s “taken care of” Molly though, which sends Boya running out into the sun to save Molly without even a second glance at crazy ex, who ends up living with only a superficial wound.  Boya’s burn wounds are actually pretty gross looking, which brings me to the best bit.  I had been saving it.  There is one scene in this movie that takes the (forgive me) cake.  While Boya is fighting off Canadian mobsters, he gets shot through the chest with a huge fucking shotgun.  The bullet goes through his chest and out the window in an explosion of completely believable blood and gore.  The effect for this was so good that I yelled with unconstrained joy when it happened.  It completely blind-sided me, especially after the horrible electricity effect that was used when they brought Earl back to life using jumper cables and jelly donuts.

The Music

I wanted to note that this movie had some of the greatest oldies in it, but at the weirdest times.  The playing-happy-music-while-something-sad-is-happening trick is amazing when done right.  In this movie, it was used at least three times, which was three too many.  I loved all of the music though, so I couldn’t be dissatisfied with it.  There was the most adorable version of Mr. Sandman in the beginning and Twilight Time by The Platters played at least twice.  I used to watch this movie just for the soundtrack.

All in all, I love this movie.  I can’t not.  Everything about it is so funny and charming to me.  I would recommend it to anyone.  This isn’t saying much, however, because I love movies like Visitor Q and Forbidden Zone.  And I’d like to apologize to the actress who played Molly.  It’s nothing personal.  I have the same rage when I see Maggie Gyllenhaal or Katie Holmes cast as a hot chick.


4 Responses to “Blood and Donuts”

  1. Brittany, also great Says:

    Too many awesome things about this post to name! Its been a million years since I watched it too, but I remember it so well. Its still such a mystery to me why they didn’t just use a real lemon. Difficult to transport, I suppose. Who has the VHS? Me? You? Finding it isn’t the hard part, because who the fuck has a VCR?

  2. Stephanie Says:

    I’m pretty sure you have it but seriously, I don’t even know where my TV is now and it’s got the only VHS player left in existence. I’m aching to watch it now though.

  3. DJ Schway Says:

    I… must see this. Multiple times!

  4. Stephanie Says:

    I’m downloading it now! 96.5% complete! :D Seriously, a plastic lemon full of lemon powder RIGHT in your wounds.

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