I'm So Great: The Rantings of a Jaded Youth

When I grow up, I want to be just like me.

Don’t think I won’t drive an hour just to kick you in the nuts. March 1, 2010


I was running pretty late this morning (apparently the snooze button is right next to the off button) so breakfast was made at break-neck speed. It was break-neck because it all came to a screeching halt when I went for the bread and it was not on the fridge where we always put it.

Ernie: Well, where could it be?

Stephanie: Damned if I know. Maybe it got moldy and Dad threw it away. Nope, not in the trash. I guess it WAS only two days old…

We searched every drawer and cupboard and no bread. Finally, it was time to call Dad.

Stephanie: Okay, I have a weird question…did you move my bread?

Dad: Did I move your…bread? …Well, no…but Kevin (my brother) was over last night.

Stephanie: Goddamnit.

Dad: We didn’t even eat at the house though. We went out. I know he’s not doing great right now but I don’t think he’d take your bread…

Cut to me trying to make eggs while calling Kevin.

Stephanie: Okay, Kevin. My bread is missing. Where is it?

Kevin: It’s in the washer.

Stephanie: Goddamnit! That’s the only place I didn’t look!


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